6 Quirks MeMe

i've been tagged by smell goods '98

Rules:
Link the person who tagged you.
Mention the rules in your blog.
Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged.

let me see if i can think of 6 quirky things about myself...
hmm...

1)i have a fear of midgets. i really don't know where it came from, i normally attribute it to my uncle being a smaller person...but who knows if thats true. my friends laugh cause i always run.

2)i am a pack rat. for some reason i can't throw things away. which explains why i still have a copy of the first issue of BLAZE magazine with JAY-Z on the cover. i think it came out in 00. yeah...imagine my room.

3)i'm a hypercondriac but not afraid of germs. can't make sense of that.

4)I HATE TO HEAR PEOPLE CHEW. ugh...its worse than nails on a chalkboard.

5)most of the time i'm not really listening. if you look close enough and you can see my eyes glaze over... you're not interesting and i'm just nodding and smiling to pacify you.

6)even though i LOVE body art, have wanted a tattoo since i was 16, have people drawing tats for me...i have yet to get any. the permanence of it all freaks me out.


i'm tagging (because i'm hella nosy...lol) imsoalmondie, baby oprah , coloredgurl

i'll tag more later. gots to get back to work

okay
i'm always complaining on here about the various stresses in life but i hardly go into any detail.
i feel like sharing for some reason.
so...
here's my love affair with cigarettes.

when i was younger i used to hate going to my father's house. not for any nefarious reasons but because of the extreme level of smoke.
my father was a serious smoker. Kools, 2 packs a day. 2 FULL packs a day. how many smokes in a pack...thats 48 kools in one day. yeah...it was crazy. there wasn't a moment that he didn't have a lit cigarette in his hand.
(subsequently it was the cigs that killed him. lung cancer is a bitch)

i don't know what made me make that jump from hate to love...but suddenly i was smoking.

in the beginning it was something that was done while drinking. something about menthol and booze...they compliment each other so well. i could quit so easily back then. for 2 or 3 weeks i could found in the bar, with a newport, playing music on the jukebox. then suddenly without warning i'd be sick of them and give it up. months at a time... nothing.

i started smoking more when i starting dating more. the men that i chose to date smoked at least a half a pack a day (the last guy was close to a full pack). and you know how it is...whatever you can do i can do better.
thats when i graduated to buying packs.
not just any pack...but for some reason it seemed wrong to buy the shorts. so i smoke 100's (the cadillac of cancer sticks)

*sigh*

i know these things are killing me. i keep trying to quit. the last time i quit, it lasted for at least a month before someone pissed me off and i grabbed for one.
haven't bought a pack in forever. but loosies are just as bad.

i can't say whatever. cause its my health on the line.
but...

whatever

weekend update

this past weekend was a bucket full of craziness.
i have to stop letting people get the best of me. i get so worked up over basically nothing, and even though i keep saying that its gonna stop
i'm gonna learn how to just shrug and say "fuck it"
my blood still boils
my head still pounds
and i still get angry

have i mentioned latley that i'm losing my faith in people?
i have always been a trusting and loving person,almost always to my own detriment. but i can't help who i am, so i trust, and love, and continously get my heart broken and feelings hurt.
just like sergeant murtaugh i'm getting to old for this shit.


that sean bell aquittal
*sigh*
i think the part that upsets me the most is the comment that the judge made. i can't remember the exact words, and i'm refusing to look it up cause i just calmed myself down. but it was to the effect of, the witnesses of the crime were a bunch of convicted felons and drug dealers, so their testimony wasn't to credible.

wtf??

so you're telling me that 5 of my friends could witness a policemen shoot me
but because they've sold drugs before you're not going to believe what they say?
what kind of ass backward logic is that?
are we aware of just how many people have been through the system? been convicted of something?
i know people out there who had no choice but to hustle, sell drugs...so they could eat, have clothes to wear.
but because they did that, their testimony won't hold up in court.
seriously?

i just have a serious level of disgust for a lot of things right now.

i need a vacation

NOW!

the other day when i walked past the newsstand, i saw this


stacy dash is like 44 or something... i know she's 40+.
*sigh*

the following is a list of 40+ women who are SONNING me right now.
i REALLY need to step my game up, or women with AARP cards are gonna take my man.

madonna:

she's at least 50 right? or as close to it without actually touching it. this is complete craziness, but i have respected madge's G for years now. the hung up and ray of light videos made me realize that this woman is a beast.


stacy dash:
the pic of her up there should be enough. but every role that i have seen her in, she's played someone significantly younger than she actually is. how old was the character on clueless?? 16?? yeah, and everyone believed it. she probably looks younger than her friggin children.

pilar sanders:

i have yet to actually watch deion and pilar, but i'm hearing its good. how she actually enjoys being married to someone who remade "must be the money" is beyond me. at least he stopped wearing neon green suits right? has to be her doing.


angela basett:


do you want a ticket to the gun show? remember in "what's love got to do with it?" when she was kicking ike's ass? i was scared for him (even tho, like every other woman in the world i was cheering). she should've kicked his ass in the beginning.
also, she still has the face of a teenager. you know what they say about black women and aging...

demi moore:


she's always been a cougar (hey ashton!) but does she have to look good doing it? aren't her children in high school or something? yeah... thats a shame.



i'm close to 30. 30!
i have no problem getting older, especially if i can look like this.

*runs to the nearest gym*

i'm in a glass cage of emotion

well, not really.

i'm approaching a crossroads
quickly approaching i should say.
a lot of things are on the brink of change (buying a house, moving out of my moms for good)
and some are constantly changing (school, dudes i like...crap like that)
and my head feels like its spinning
i think i'm developing adult allergies, all of a sudden pollen counts, count.
either that or i have a constant stress headache.

i've been at my current place of employment for almost 2 years
if you look at my resume, i tend to stay at jobs until the 2 yr mark, then move on up.
it doesn't look as if that is gonna happen this time.
maybe i can change departments. i can feel the complacency sticking to me when i leave here at 5.



these shoes are calling me.

i found my external. (see previous post)
it was in my car. of course i found it after i retyped all my papers that i had due, but at least it was found.
i'm hella glad that no one was reading anything on there
this should be my impetus to start writing again
i am my own worse critic. sometimes it becomes to much and i stop writing.
gotta keep motivated.

...dunkin donuts makes some damn good iced tea


oh
and
pennyslvania
sucks
sometimes

i'm pissed because i lost my mini external
not only did it have my papers, already typed, that are due sat and monday respectively
but it alos had music, and the beginnings of my novel
i keep hoping and praying that one day it will surface in the abyss that is my car
but i have this feeling that i lost it on my way to, or while in my english class
people read those things (i know i would)
i hope no one is reading/stealing my shit.

this is disheartening.

i know that i need to write more.
i keep putting it off, cause of my whole "i'm scared to fail" thing
but i need to get my novel out there.
if terry woods can do it, so can i.

just cause i'm feeling the same way as yesterday.

and plus this is my song

being single can be lonley sometimes.
i mean it certainly has its perks (not having to share a bathroom, answer random stupid questions etc...)
but most of the timei honestly just want someone to cuddle with.
most of the time i'm dying for some form of affection
or should i say reciprocal affection.
because its possible to kiss someone and not mean it
(i've done it so i'm assuming that others have done it too)
no i want to be held by someone who actually feels the same way.

maybe i need to lower my standards.
i CAN be too picky at times.
sometime even lip pigment was a deciding factor
(pink lips. NOT sexy on a man. it looks like he has a vagina on his face. ...and don't forget height. height is major.)

who knows.

i just know that i'm sick of the thugs, corner boys and youngins

i want more.

and i'm willing to wait.

random thoughts

-my mind is everywhere. i blame the fact that i have yet to finish this paper that is due tomorrow morning @ 9

-why do i have 30 new voicemail messages?? smh

-if i stop calling you, don't return your call and don't answer when you call...how come you still call? can't take a hint can you?

-the sidekick LX is a 400 dollar piece of sheit. if i could go to customer service and hum this at them i would. i miss my nokia phone.

-i really REALLY don't feel like going to this meeting today. if this doesn't pertain to a raise of some sort, or maybe more vacation time added, i could honestly care less. its amazing that i am awake and actually working at this point. making me attend meetings actually makes me want to start stabbing people with sporks.

-is it wrong that i wanna date his friend? i mean, we were never really a couple...and his homie is cute.

-buying a house feels like its gonna be the death of me. i'm already stressed and i'm not even in there yet. sheesh.

-yeah Canon, why DOES flavor flav have a sitcom? he's not cooning enough on flavor of love?

-i just watched juice for the first time (yes, i know...i'm late) yesterday. it was a good movie. is it wrong that the entire time i was staring at tupac wishing we could've done the hibidy dibidy before he died? matter of fact me and raheem need to have some words too.

-i'm terrified of the fact that i have to get on a plane in less than a month. but yes, i will get on it even if i need to drink some syrup so i don't flip out.

-calgon...take me away.

this is gonna be long...and painful
but they say that speaking about these things are theraputic.
God knows that i need therapy. especially about this.
it's been a few years and this shit still makes me nauseous.

*sigh*

here is goes.

: : :

i met him through a friend.
i remember it was my birthday party at the stinger (yes...i was hood back in the day). i think i was turning 23. he came with friends and as soon as i saw him i was stuck.
we spoke, danced a little
after it was over, i told my homie to give him my number
he didn't call.
i was dissapointed. but i got over it.
and then the next week...he called.

our first date:
he picked me up and we went to some bar on germantown ave. (the good part, what is that chesnut hill?) we had a few drinks
and damn if i wasn't easy
yes...i gave it up on the first night
no...i'm not ashamed (it was good dammit)

it was a whirlwind after that.

i can admit now that i was sprung. i mean, it was good and i hadn't had it like that since...well ever. girls always lose their minds over the first dude to make their legs shake. i was no different.

my mom always tells me that hindsight is 20/20. she ain't never lie.

looking back i can see the complete one sided-ness of it all.
whenever we went out, i paid. and dammit i'm not a cheap date. movies...dinner, everything. on me.
my car became our car. granted, i never let him borrow it but he drove whenever we were together. and we went wherever he wanted.
i introduced him to all my friends. some liked, some disliked. but i didn't care... i was in love.
and i was blind...so damn blind.

that first week, after the first date when that girl called me. she said the normal things that are said to the other woman.
who is he to you?
how long have you known him?

i should've left him alone then.

then you have the times that i should've gotten the hint. days would pass...no word from him.
we would be together and he would have to leave abruptly
assinine excuses fit for teenagers
and i fell for it...hard.

i can't remember what happened. what made me decide to leave him alone. mose likely it was the mounting concern from close friends, or maybe the cheating became too obvious. but i decided that i wanted and was worth more. so i left.

a saw him a few days later. he tried to feign cocnern, tried to soft talk me back. but i knew.

the next day a girl called asking if i knew him. my heart still dropped, because i knew how she felt.

::fast forward to the present::

it still hurts to hear/say his name.
now the hurt is a mixture of heartache and shame.
heartache because i actually loved him. seriously loved him with all my heart. it wasn't just about the sex. he was one of the (very) few that got all of me. and i got nothing in return.
shame because i should've known. i should've listened to that tiny inner voice that was screaming bloody murder telling me that he was no good. shame because i did SO much and got nothing in return.

i'm still recovering from this.
i still have the emotional scars. i wear them proudly, they ensure that this won't happen again.

...maybe this is why i'm still single.
i'm fearful of opening myself back up...so i don't.
i'm fearful of being taken advantage of...so i take the advantages.

i feel bad sometimes. every new guy has to pay for his sins.
but i like i said to a friend.. somebody's got to.

: : :

i might as well get the rest out too, since a co-worker just brought it up. and its weird, i just typed this today and then it comes out in coversation.
so here's the rest.
this is why this whole situation is crazy, because this is what he did. i have absolutley no closure when it comes to him, and i never will.
and now that i'm thinking about the signs were there. i remember the night that he had me drop him off at 69th street. he said he needed to visit a friend at West Chester.
we met in july, and according to the press they started dating in august.
some parts of me think that it was her that called me that day.
some parts of me wonder why this wasn't me.

*sigh*

my headache just came back.

for some reason i can't think.
my mind has been a million places at once for like the last couple of days and its killing me

i have papers that i have to write (yay procrastination!)
i have houses that i have to look at
i have a job that i have to do (or at least look like i'm doing it)

all of these things need to be taken care of
actually concentrated on.

and all i can seem to think about is getting laid.

this one is kinda hard to explain.

i have this amazing ability to develop crushes at the drop of a hat. it's that whole process of being attracted and then having that turn into "like" after getting to know that person. i think i skip that step sometimes and just become blinded by the beautiful teeth and just... go.

i digress.

i had a crush on him when i was young. we grew up together, our mothers are (to this day) the best of friends.
so he knew me when i had pigtails and smudged clothes.
he threw a cat on me for god's sake. and he still laughs about that...and tells other people.

but once again, i digress.

his family moved down south and he went down there and grew up. i would still see him from time to time, he would come up...hustle, see some friends and then go back.
everytime he saw me, the surprise would take a second to register on his face.
"you look like a woman"
(i've always taken this to mean that they're surprised that i've grown boobs and an ass)
and then he would smile.
oh...thats the one that would get me. it's the confident, i'm so sure of myself smile that only some guys can pull off. the *i want you to want me too* smile.
i LOVE that smile.

him being the popular thug that he is ended up where popular thugs end up. me being the selfless (ha) person that i am decided to write him.

the letters man.
in the beginning strictly friendly...cute. it was still obvious that he thought of me as a little sister.
then we talked. the letters never became sexual (or i should say overly sexual. i mean, c'mon he's in prison for god's sake. i can imagine that 23 of the 24 hours in each day are spent thinking about the sex he's not getting. even while he's sleeping)
but it wasn't like that. it was more of him getting to know the adult me.

i've been writing him for like 6 years now.
in the grand scheme of things, this is THE longest relationship that i've ever been in. (i wonder what that says about me. hmm...) we've had our ups and downs. and believe me, arguments had on paper are just as bad as ones that are face to face. except you can go back read the insults over and over.

but regardless of what out present situation is without fail every holiday, valentine's day and birthday i get...something. at the very least a card. this man has done more for me in jail, than any dude i have ever dated.

wow... i just realized the severity of that last statement.


damn.

a friend and i were on our way back to her apartment. i can't remember exactly where we had gone...probably Eagles (yes, i know. it's hood. but the Smooth Bitches be calling me.)
on the way back home we took our normal tour de hood and my homie sees her young dude.
he and his homie follow us to her place

now here's the deal:
i had worked all day (also had gone out the previous night)
a friend had given me tickets to the free Jay-Z show the next morning,
but it started at like 8 or 9 (sometime that was ridiculously early for a concert...but it was Jay-Z...)
i can't remember what time it was that we all got back to the apt, but somehow it made sense for us to just stay awake.

anyway, my homie and the young dude went to handle their business and left me in the room with his homie
we'll call him DDB, dirty dorito boy.
his breath smelled like a mixture of cool ranch doritos, dirty socks and ass.
yes..ass.
and he was drunk/high...real drunk/high

i'm laying on the bed buried beneath covers...comfortable and trying to ignore the salivating youngster with breath from the pits of hell

him: *rubbing my leg* you sleep?
me: *moving my leg* trying to be
him: so...what's up? what you tryna do?
me: *sleepily* sleep. take a nap i have things to do in the morning.
him: *pause* look...no disrespect but i'm tryna pound.
me: *sitting up* HUH?!

laughter ensues.


this shit only happens to me.

people have me remembering things
or at least wanting to remember things.
alot of my relationships/encounters were funny,
some funny in the HA HA sense, some funny in the dramatic,why is this happening to me way
it's weird
but now i wanna share too.
sharing (i think) will help relieve some of this tension off my neck


...

this one started with young me. me circa 1994-95. middle school me.
it was during one of me and FLD (first love dude, post will come...maybe), it was during one of our breaks.

he was taller than me. lightskinned (he started my love affair with the lighter toned man...him and christopher williams... damn.) he had beautiful eyes, and a smile that could light up a dark room.

i was in love...immediatley.

it was the perfect example of a grade school relationship.
-we were in M.G. together. the days that we were to be bused for classes were the happiest days of the week for me. i could sit and stare at him all day. at lunch we would sit in the same booth, on the same side, me with my legs resting comfortably in his lap.
-remember in middle school when you could send colored carnations to various people for valentine's day? he bought me my first one.

it didn't last long. but the sound of his name still put butterflies in my stomach long after it was over.

i remember being in H.S, getting a call from a friend.
"he's in the hospital, cancerous tumor in his arm. he had it removed"
i bought an outfit, fixed my hair for a 15/20 min visit.
i can still see that HUGE smile when i came in the room...it still makes me smile.

...fast forward a few months later...

another phone call.
"he died"
my mouth went dry. i couldn't speak for a minute.
i actually called a mutual friend to make her call his house.
"ask for him please"
i didn't want to hear them say it.

when the phone rang again i knew it was true.
i cried and cried, ran to her house...cried and cried.

this was the one that makes me wish for more. if i could turn back time indeed. i never even kissed him. i can almost imagine what his lips tasted like.



this was our song.