the life and times of a hopeless romantic

crickets

2009-05-19T22:59:00.004-04:00

is anyone even still reading this thing?

it's been exactly 2 months to the day that i've written something on here. the funny thing is that i would occasionally type in the web address and watch the page load...kinda expecting something to be different.

hmm.

anyway,

what's been up?

me... y'know same thing. rick rossin it...not lovin these hoes. still at the job i hate because i have bills to pay. still simultaneously wishing i were leaving the city and searching for apartments outside of west. stil...here.

school's...school. a necessary evil. i mean, i don't need a degree to write a book but it sure as shit helps if the publishing falls through. idk...i'm all about having plan B's, even if its sometimes at the detriment of plan A.

who knows.

anyway... i'm tired and i *sigh* have to go to work in the morning.

but i'll be back.
hopefully in less than 2 months.

hey now!

2009-03-19T18:34:00.003-04:00

it's been awhile again.
and (once again) that's my bad.
school's in session and the only thing and i've had on my mind lately is gandhi and napoleon bonaparte.

but things are still the same.
thanks for asking.

i should actually be studying for a quiz/catching up on some homework now. so i'll keep this brief...

things on my mind as of late:

-where in blue blazes did all these cricket stores come from? and now they have commercials too...i don't really trust it.

-the school that i'm currently enrolled in is not really for me. i need to find something different. i have an idea, it seems kind of crazy actually. but i might be able to pull this off. more on this later. i gotta work some things out in my head first.

-when did the young boy from two and a half men get all skinny and adorable. see... i mean he needs his eyebrows arched a little bit. but still adorable.

-i'm really thinking about a move. i mean, philly will always be one of my fav places to be, but... i need to see something different. even if i come back, i need to see some place else for awhile.

-if the world's coming to an actual end...why would we look to nicholas cage for help?

my bad

2008-12-26T12:32:00.002-05:00

ya'll
the trials and tribulations that surround
got a lil bit more gangsta than normal
so i had to take a brief hiatus.

but i'm back on the block.

hey now!
we have a new year coming (i'm going to a shindig that has the potential to be full of foolishness)
AND...thats basically it.

so yeah,
i missed you guys

tear

2008-11-21T22:36:00.002-05:00

i miss my youth...

before school:

after school:

saturday morning:

just for fun:

more later.
i feel kinda old tho

quick update:

2008-11-19T07:56:00.002-05:00

i'm @ work so i'll make this brief...

for the 3rd or 4th time (i have yet to get actual confirmation, and i think i blocked it out of my own mind) but someone (a crackhead) broke into my car.
stealing what you may ask?
that baby shower gift for a friend that i ordered offline and paid a million frickin dollars for s&h (well it at least felt that way)

*sigh*

so that was more money for a window that i had previously replaced.
i swear those kind men down @ jack's auto glass are beginning to know me by face,
or at least by car model.

and now i have to endure the stress and side eye @ work
because i missed yesterday
due to the above reasons.

like having someone break in your car
rifle through your things
steal from you
and leave you car open for the cats and homeless to sleep in
isn't more than enough of a reason to miss a day from work.
or, that coupled with the fact that the window glass place didnt even GET to my car until about 11:30 am.

...when i found the car @ 7 am.

ah well.

so...i'm moving.
i'm trying to have something set up by jan/feb.

cause, even though they're crackheads everywhere.
at least i might not have grown up with them.

viva la change of surroundings!

sam cooke/obama said it best

2008-11-11T09:06:00.002-05:00

a change is gonna come people.

and i figure that this said change should affect me too.

so,

i'm revamping some things...

blog, life, friends....etc

change. it's inevitable.

soon come.

cue the dancing winkies

2008-11-05T09:12:00.004-05:00

*i couldn't find the one with the ACTUAL winkies. but you get the idea*

so...

how does it feel to be black and in america?
not saying that the wounds are completely healed,
but at least we replaced it with clean gauze and some neosporin.
the healing process has begun.

and before any of you who personally know me say anything.
no, i did not and do not vote, for sincere reasons.
for me, this isn't about politics
it's just about an intelligent (stress on the word intelligent. i'm looking at you rev. al), strong man in office that just so happens to look like me.

that in itself is amazing.

i mean,
my grandparents were the children of sharecroppers.
my grandfather has worked his entire life aware of the fact that he was smarter and more qualified than his superiors,
but paid significantly less.
my grandmother, born and raised in the rural south
(i mean who besides my family and like 2 others know where summerton s.c is? yeah i didnt think so)
has lived through the depression,
segregation/jim crow and the civil rights movement,
constantly being told that she was worth next to nothing
constantly being told that she would never be more than what she already was.
they both lived to see a beautiful brown skinned man become the next president.

*sigh*

i can breathe now.

but,
with this ginormous feat comes a deep responsibility.
black people
this is our time to stand up and act like we actually collectively have some sense.
we have NO CHOICE/NO EXCUSE now.
all that,
"the white man is holding me down" has to stop,
years and years of cop-outs, and constantly uttering the words "i can't because..." are over.
there is no need for it now.
the ultimate position of power is and will be for the next 4 years, occupied by a black man.
that is so huge that it should force every single black person in america to straighten up and at least attempt to fly right.

we as a people need to realize our worth and abilities
and use the resources that will soon become readily available to their individual fullest.

this, more than ever, is OUR time.
OUR time to reclaim what was stolen, lost and ridiculed into obscurity.
OUR time to say and actually believe that we can be whatever we want.
OUR time to look at our children and see them have the same choices, and oppurtunites as the others.

*sigh*

i feel like i'm rambling and i'm sorry.
but,
i'm just hype
and hopeful.

damn straight.

randomness...

2008-11-03T12:17:00.002-05:00

-smells like someone is cooking with lawry's but i sincerely hope not,
since we only have a microwave in there.
can you imagine if they randomly sprinkle seasoned salt on things.

-my new main goal in life (besides writing the next great american novel and marrying shia labeouf) is to become a contestant on don't forget the lyrics.
...seriously.
who wants to be on my team??

-this is frickin hilarious....

-things are going to be really random for awhile. especially since i'm trying to (finally!) write my book. it'll be amazing if i get anything else accomplished in the month of october.

-my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary party is this saturday coming. everytime i tell someone they immediately are amazed that they've lasted this long. i am too... in a way. but just like bobby and whitney,

i'll put pics of the partyup when i get them.

i'm gonna look nice....lol.

ahem

2008-10-30T19:30:00.005-04:00

firstly,

GO PHILLIES!!!!!

as a philadelphian i have to represent a little bit,
even though truthfully i'm an atlanta braves fan.
but whoo!
fair weather fans rock!!

i went down on broad street because i basically had nothing else to do
and i knew it would be fun.
WOW.
thats all i can say.
i had to wash my hands like 6 times though
since i was giving out high fives up and down the street.
hilarity
i wasnt near all that burning crap though
they were just scaling flagpoles and jumping on the backs of moving vehicles.

but,

november 1st is vastly approaching.
i'm sposed to be writing this novel starting on that day
i have to get the material together
but change is in the wind and i might not have the time to do it.

i'll just have to make the time i guess.

in other news:
i;m shopping for a wall mount tv.
i'm focusing on my inner geek, and i want to be able to play my video games on the appropriate looking television.

i'll keep you posted.

lastly,

shit i'm laughing at:

and

can't forget

have a good night.

things i did this weekend...

2008-10-27T10:06:00.003-04:00

-realized that people ARE def as stupid as they look.
case in point:

friggin dumbass.
sorry...friggin illiterate dumbass

-decided (finally!) on a topic for this novel i've been trying to write since i was conceived. i believe that I'm interesting enough to warrant a hundred or so pages. so i'm gonna take my journals that i've kept (see mom, i told you keeping a composition book from 1992 was a good idea...so there) and put them into some type of order to explain me...or at least so people can laugh at the complete and total absurdity that is my life. trust me, this will def be a comedy. watch the shelves peeps...novel soon come. (i hope)

-my friends are hilarious in their own rights.

-i need to stop spending money. but these are stopping me. they even come in brown. dammit.

-*see above statement* the need to stop spending money didn't deter me from ordering the new G1. *sigh*

-i might get yelled at for this from people who actually know me. and also from that quiet, sometimes stifled voice inside my head, aptly named my conscious. but... (it hurts to even admit this) i actually like a t-pain...sometimes. this though, is my jam.

sheesh. i can't believe it either.

you like me....you really really like me...

2008-10-22T08:52:00.004-04:00

thanks to that lovely sitemeter icon at the bottom of your screen, i now know that people are actually reading this. (hey all 6 of you! j/k)

...now that that's set in for a moment, i have to say that i was...flabbergasted to say the least. (sorry. i've always wanted to use that word in a sentence). i mean, besides friends that i practically stand behind with guns, forcing them to type the URL; i doubted anyone read.

hmm... surprise, surprise.

anyway,

i'm actually going to sit and do NaNoWriMo this year. i signed up previously, and actually started out with hope and big ideas
and ended with me screaming at the paper while ripping it to shreds.
so basically, it didn't happen.

but
it's a new dawn
it's a new day
and i'm feeling good ©nina simone

i'm kinda bad with non-fiction tho.
i always start off good...picture me rolling even
and then somewhere,
right when the gettings good...i lose it. i think i need to take a class or something.
so i'll be writing what/who i know best...me.
i have no idea what i'll actually be writing about. but at least i decided on a topic.

that's a start. right?

in other news:

i think i love him...

bith you betta indeed.

2008-10-14T19:24:00.001-04:00

so... no homo
but

damn beyonce.

damn.

now i have to go back to the gym.

thanks for that.

originally

2008-10-06T22:51:00.002-04:00

i had a whole thought process
an actual entry of something meaningful to say and share with you all

...until some dude just called and proceeded to piss me the f*ck off.

*sigh*

so...

2008-10-02T00:32:00.002-04:00

alot of things have been on my mind lately.
it's been crazy,
but
alls fair in love and war right?

right??

nevermind. i don't particularly feel like making sense right now. so heres some of the randomness that flows through my mind:

-the last dragon is on and is actually one of my fav movies from my youth. i think because it combined my love of martial arts/bruce lee flicks and sweaty athletic black men. it was also one of the FIRST sightings we had of ernie reyes jr. plus, the dudes name is taimak. how much better could it be? (r.i.p shonuff.)

-i'm still trying to quell the desire to run screaming from philly. the desire gets greater and greater with every passing day. sometimes it feels as if this city closing in on me. i mean, if you really want a reason for me to want to leave see the previous entry. and to top it all off, a very close friend of mine feels the same way, and aims to actually do something about it. he makes the thought of leaving seem so...easy. too easy. *sigh* possible places for me to settle:

*singing*
...deep in the heart of texas.
san antonio

this was THE greatest place for me to be on my first real vacation. the sky matched the water, and the sand looked NOTHING like the shore. *sigh* they can keep the hurricanes though.

doesn't this just remind you of "pretty woman"?
this is where i need to be. need to get this book written and sold.

ah well... wishful thinking i guess. i'm just not really feeling it anymore.

-have i ever mentioned the deep,DEEP love that i have for Shaffer Chimere Smith a.k.a. ne-yo? maybe not on here, but i have mentioned it to many different people, on many different occassions. i mean, what is there not to love? he is one of my fav blasians (up there with amerie and kimora lee), he's a musical genius (seriously. he can write his ass off. and he doesnt use slant rhyme or make up words like kells. AND he can read. AND doesn't like lil girls...), and HE'S CUTE. sometimes the faces he makes just makes me wanna... *sigh*
nevermind.

the embedding is disabled, but if you want proof look here... he'snotgaydammit!

damn.

reason #673425891

2008-09-28T10:56:00.003-04:00

why i don't go out in philly anymore
ngz always find random reasons to get brolic
and someone gets hit with a chair.

so...
i went on one of those midnight cruises on the spirit of philadelphia right. and i should've known something crazy was gonna happen when i saw velour suits ala the american pants company and the G&G esque prom dresses. but yet we ventured on. i mean, it was the fam's bday (go versace! it's your bday!) so we went with the flow.

c'mon ya'll.

huey said it best. "sometimes i am vexed by the actions of my people. ...yeah. vexed is a good word".

damn straight.

the line was even ghetto. ngz cuttin the line, smoking...whatever cussin and who in the hell brings food to an open buffet?! it's OPEN FUCKIN BUFFET! OPEN=FREE!

but i digress.

it was like one of those caberets. the older folks sat, drank and looked mad disgusted @ the young folks who were practically fuckin on the dance floor. i mean, its funny if you ever actually sit and watch it.

this "cruise" lasted until 2am. so here i am stuck smack dab in the middle of the schuylkill river with the hood's finest and their counterparts.

*sigh*

hot as shit.
looked like a luke video.
it had everything from freaky lap dance giving old heads to pre op trannys in mini's. add a cool white dj who plays perculator and hilarity ensued.

i was surprised it didnt happen sooner.
i mean, we ARE in the murder capital right?
right.

so,

OF COURSE a fight broke out. chairs were thrown. i think a nigga got stabbed with a broken bottle.

but,

i have to say. philadelphia has some hot boys in blue. cause the 70 cars that responded to the fight call, the male to female cop ratio was the nothing short of amazing.

i just...can't anymore.

lol.

dear solange,

2008-09-03T20:48:00.006-04:00

i feel your pain.

i've been living in the shadow of my older sis my entire life. it get's annoying doesn't it?
the constant questions from random strangers who remember her and either:
a)mistake you for her. (there have been countless occassions where people scream her name in my general direction, and then proceed to catch a 'tude when i don't respond.)

or

b)completely ignore what you may have going on at that moment and bombard you with useless/pointless questions about said older sister.

i know... i know.

many a phone conversation, actual conversation and daydream have been ruined by someone mistaking me for...her. in my case, it's actually worse. at least ya'll don't look alike. (she looks more like your mother, which may be good for now. but, i don't know if you've seen your mom lately...but age isn't looking that good on her). so yeah, it's worse for me. people have been mistaking me and my sister for twins OUR ENTIRE LIFE!!

HEY!
GUESS WHAT AMERICA!

WE'RE THREE YEARS APART!

THREE

WHOLE

YEARS!

SHE WAS WALKING AND FORMING WHOLE SENTENCES WHEN I WAS BORN!

C'MON!!

but i digress...

(sorry for yelling)

being the younger sibling is a humbling experience to say the least. i've seen the interviews. i've seen you tense up at the mere mention of her name. et/tmz/perez/people... whoevers asking, as soon as that "b" comes off their lips; the hair on the back of your neck stands up, your teeth clench in that fake smile.
"we're different." you say "i'm a creative writing, newly divorced single mom and she's... B. see...how...different...we...are"

and then they fake nod in agreement while playing upgrade you in the background to keep the audience interested.

it's cool. people are starting to remember your name now with this new album, psychedelic (seizure inducing) videos, and VMA nominations. you won't be "mini B" for long!

love you bookcakes.

~benjie.
*your sister in the struggle*

p.s.

i understand that your trying to separate yourself from her pop/r&b image. but some of those outfits are well...questionable. i mean, that orange puffy number? that didnt scream mariachi to you? what about that "big bird" jacket/hoodie thingie at the end? seriously? ...okay.

yet another musical meme

2008-08-27T22:12:00.002-04:00

i've actually been tagged this time instead of my normal thievery.
i've been meaning to write something of substance, but i've actually had too much on my mind to write it down and actually have it make sense.
so...
another meme it is then.

quick sidebar tho: an oppurtunity may have presented itself that would land me in la la land next week. but responsibility is currently slapping me in the face, and both the realization of the coming winter and the necessities involved with the coming winter (i.e. new tires and a tune up for the whip, and a nice coat and gloves.) is doing the same... only harder.
so.
i dunno.
i'm trying to be spontaneous...but its so hard.

Rules:
1. Put your itunes/music player on shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
"sorry",tracy chapman

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"can't stop won't stop", young gunz

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"cool it now",new edition

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"the lounge",janet jackson

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
"is you suckin", camron & lil wayne
(*blink* bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"let me ride", dr. dre

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"rock with you", eric roberson

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
"just a moment", nas feat quan

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"honey", erykah badu
(i don't think i like how this is going...lol)

WHAT IS 2+2?
"untitled (how does it feel)", d'angelo
(damn straight)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"love", musiq soulchild

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"freak me", silk
(i swear i'm not doing this on purpose.)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"the way you make me feel", michael jackson

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"stuntin ya'll", clipse feat pharell

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"i'm not afraid", jill scott

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"brand new jones", thicke

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"fly in", lil wayne

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"trill", clipse

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"i love you", cheri dennis feat jim jones

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"free", mya

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"because of you",tracie spencer

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
"can't help it", jon.b

i needed to share

2008-08-20T11:10:00.002-04:00

these are the shoes of life...

and i dont understand how musiq went from this...

to this...

i don't know how i feel about "new and improved" musiq.
seems like everybody is making the leap over to pop culture/music
first david banner...
now this.

BOO.

well

2008-08-18T11:36:00.004-04:00

school's starting next week
my back is a constant source of excitement and new,
since a new ache and/or pain seems to pop up daily.
my "tips to end nicotine dependency" class was cancelled for today,
possibly to be rescheduled in dec

*lights up newport until dec*

so... i have a lot going on for some reason right now.

...calgon take me away.

this is helping me cope for some reason

i think its cause of kanye's killer dance moves.

the bliss questionnaire

2008-08-12T21:44:00.003-04:00

recently a friend and i were having a conversation about our life goals, and what we thought would make happy. and she forwarded this to me. i've been trying to write this for awhile...well since last night. but i haven't been able to concentrate. i can now...

...i share things now. it helps me to feel better. i've kept things bottled up for a long time, and it feels good to let my emotions out. plus, somewhere deep inside me i believe that for this to actually happen, i have to share. at least some of it.

so...

what do you have on desire?

peace of mind. a home of my own. a place where i feel completely at ease...completely at peace. some place warm and open. i desire to be self-reliant. to be comfortable with myself, no matter what size i may be, how i might look.
to be able to say "fuck it" and actually mean it. strength, courage and wisdom. an (authentic) angela davis poster. well, maybe two so i can give my mom one. true love. happiness. respect for others without compromising respect of self.
to finish school, get my masters degree and actually use it. to publish something; either poetry or a non fiction. a good night's sleep.

what do you want to feel like?

imagine being home alone. i don't mean that you live alone, you're home alone since everyone else that lives with you is gone. when i say everyone, i'm not referring to roommates either. i mean someone with authority, someone with the capability to halt all future plans that could involve consumption of any kind, or explicit activity that might take place.
imagine them packing bags, and being gone for awhile.
*sigh*
i want to feel that...all the time.

what kind of conversations do you want to be having with people around you?

intelligent ones where quoting gibran is the norm. the kind of conversations that begin and end with laughter, and are filled with memories and promises of good things to come.

what do you want to be doing with your days?

write. relax. sip cold drinks on hot sands. see the sights. live my life like its golden. travel. see old friends and introduce them to new ones. make new friends.
read good books.

what do you want to do with your nights?

write. relax. see the stars over paris, rome and japan. let happy hour at bump turn into shots at copa's. spoon with someone that smells good.

if you could have it anyway you wanted it...what would it look like?

contentment. being able to breathe easy and know that everyone i loved was taken care of. feeling comfortable with moving to a new city and spreading my wings. i'd be open to change, and willing to accept it. i'd have someone important reading my work, and appreciating it for what it is. i'd be fresh to death, dressed like a million bucks...all day, everyday. manolo and louboutin would know my shoe size in their sleep. fluent in japanese, mastering french and starting on spanish. i'd have someone to love me, either platonic or romantic...someone to love me exactly for who i am and not expect me to change. i would feel confident in myself, all the time without fail. i would never feel inferior, or like i didnt matter, or measure up. i would believe in me and be my own cheerleader. i would FINALLY get my koi fish tattoo. deep, deep laughs from the bottom of my soul...everyday.

i'm bored/in pain @ work

2008-08-11T11:14:00.002-04:00

i stole this from nay...

my back is killing me right now
so i can't actually concentrate long enough to write something plausible,
since everytime i try to do so,
searing pain shoots through my lower back.
add that to the tension settling in my neck and shoulders
and yup... you guessed it, i'm not really the happiest person right now.

so...

a musical meme

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you're cool…

Opening Credits:
musiq (soulchild), "don'tchange"
...i never really felt this song like that. i think it was cause of the way musiq looked in the old guy makeup. he looked like how grandpa smurf SHOULD look. ...gross.

Waking Up:
*nsync, "no strings attached"
ha. a pop locking joey fatone should wake anyone up.

First Day At School:
112, "anywhere interlude"
um... so not school appropriate.

Falling In Love:
wu tang clan, "method man"
"i got myself a 40/i got myself a shortie/and i'm about to go and stick it"

Fight Song:
troop, "all i do is think of you"
okay, so... fight song and falling in love should switch.

Breaking Up:
bob markley, "get up stand up"
damn straight.

Prom:
random reggae artist (my bad, don't know the name), "me no like"
we used to do a whole bunch of naughty dancing to this song.
tee hee.

Life:
bizzie bone/jim jones, "twin towers"
i've never even heard this song before.
maybe i should listen to it now.
bizzie bone scares me tho...

Mental Breakdown:
usher, "think of you"
"all i do is think of you/holding on to someone new/don't make me lose my mind

Driving:
mary j blige, "our love"

Flashback:
loon/mario winas, "how i made it"
damn straight.

Getting Back Together:
masta ace inc., "born to roll"

Wedding:
paula abdul, "vibeology"
LMAO!

Birth of Child:
queen, "another one bites the dust"
umm...

Final Battle:
snoop, "losin control"
i've never heard this before either, but its ironic that its on the last meal album.

Death Scene:
r. kelly, "thank god its friday"

Funeral Song:
lumidee, "for keeps"
i could really make a joke right now, but i won't.

End Credits:
faith evans, "sunny days"

i think i want a do-over.

things that i need to do:

2008-08-04T21:43:00.003-04:00

-clean my room. i mean, i STILL can't find the debit card that i lost around here like 2 weeks ago. yeah...it's been about that long. i finally just gave up on finding it and went to get a new one.

-throw away some of this miscellanous crap that i have stockpiled in said room. maybe if i went through it, my room would stay clean/organized longer. there is no reason for me to still have all the original issues of BLAZE magazine. *sheesh*

-act as if i have some sense.

-prepare myself for the looming dark cloud that is the fall semester. between books and the potential group work, i'm surprised i havent started screaming yet.

-buy the 160gig ipod. i dont need it. but i really, REALLY want one. i know i'll never fill it. but i wanna try.

-find the boots that i saw in dsw over the weekend. i can't even describe the fabolousness of these knee boots. first off, i NEVER find knee boots that i both like and can fit in the calf muscle area. not only do i love the shoe, but i can fit it all the way up the leg AND they're comfortable. i'm trying to think of what is more important: bills or boots. i'll get back to you with my answer.

i need to get ready for work in the morning. even tho... well you already know.

p.s. why are these fugly boots on the web, but i can't find mind??
hmm??

gross.

i miss the 90's

2008-07-31T10:02:00.002-04:00

i wrote a whole piece for this. but i'm still a little bit sleepy, and all this heat isn't helping at all. but yesterday while watching vh1 soul i realized how much i miss the music of my youth...

enjoy the flashback bitches.

this made me want to be in a couch scene in a video. i don't have any friends about to make one, but if you know someone who is, tell them to get a couch to put me on. i really just wanna wave to the camera.

this is the real lil kim. what is you see now is an amalgamation of parts left over
from Michael and Latoya Jackson.

and to slow things down...

have a good day.

let me say it slow

2008-07-29T22:46:00.005-04:00

i'm ret t'go.

and i have been feeling this way for quite some time actually. i'm just sick of seeing the same things, people, landmarks, litter, fucked up public trans... you get the picture.

seriously,

whenever i get the urge and can stand to be at the club these days,
(which is few and far between. i actually think i've outgrown it. sheesh)
i see more than one person i know. and its not like long lost friends and a total screaming, jumping reunion
no
these are people from my neighborhood/general vicinity. the same damn people that i see every damn day. how is that fair?

nightclubs are supposed to be a safe haven where people embrace anonymity and (sometimes) do things they might not normally do. like... a mini vacation.
that can't happen though when every tom, dick and rasheed from around the corner is posted up at the same bar trolling for ass.
and IT'S NOT FAIR!
because now you can't be new to someone.
odds are there's like 15 or so dudes with them, so if you don't already know lightskin over there...someone you know does.

and then suddenly people are having conversations and theories are brewing about what you did, and if you really went home with him that same night. trust me, i have (sadly) been a part of said conversations, either actively or passively.
the streets not only watch,
they talk too.

i digress...

i'm REALLY ready to go.
i have been a west philadelphia resident for a very long time. my early years were spent in a co-op up north. even though i still have vivid memories of walking to lehigh ave to go to the 5&10 (for birthstone rings no less. that cost a dollar.)
my time there was shirt; too short to still rep 23rd and woodstock.
so this is 22 years.
22 long years spent:
catching the G bus
going to south street
digging my car out in january
almost dying of heatstroke in july
eating cheesesteaks (i will miss you max's)
and falling in/out of love

i have memories here.
but thats what they are and what they will remain. i want to make some new memories, some new friends. see some new landmarks, streets and (for once!) MEET NEW PEOPLE. genuine, honest to God strangers with brand new personailites and experiences to share.

i want that.

but then there's that tiny little voice that screams about that leaving the state will be a lonely venture that i will end up regretting
or
getting some place and failing, then having to come home...
defeated.
*shudder*

i just need to see what weighs more. its a choice between really wanting to leave or compromising and staying.
this would be the time a few years back when i would make a PRO/CON list.
i dont know if thats the solution this time.

shit.

*aside:
i will always until i die represent philly with every inch of my being. i mean seriously, who would i be if i didn't know you?
i've always been very loyal to the home team. ready to defend any and every aspect of the 215 (never recognizing 267. gross. sorry) at the drop of a hat.

plus...everyone secretly wants to be us. undeniable, natural swag coupled with quick wit and stellar business sense.

really?

who wouldn't want to be from here?

i've been up since 3am

2008-07-29T05:48:00.002-04:00

and i have no idea why.

and now growing pains is on, and all i can think about is the fact that kirk cameron is starring in christian movies now
and
that i'm friggin tired.

*sigh*

this post isnt't going to make any sense
cause i dont believe that i can make sense now

i'm going to work early
i need to find some change so i can buy a LARGE cup of coffee

i'll make sense later

i promise

just because

2008-07-28T06:20:00.001-04:00

i was in bed
and this video made me want to get up and start my day

good morning bitches.

i have a headache

2008-07-24T21:08:00.002-04:00

and i have no idea how to get rid of it.
i think that my allergies are acting up
either that or i'm catching a cold.
i don't want to catch a cold since summer colds suck as much, wel...
just about as much as something can suck.

even though there's a breeze outside
thanks in part to the monsoon last night
its an oven in my bedroom cause i'm on the third floor
making it virtually impossible for me to enjoy myself without having to turn the air conditioner on.
but i guess the air conditioner is helping the allergies.

whatever.

...i think i have some vicks vaporub around here somewhere.

in literary news:
i think i'm gonna try my hand at my novel again.
my ultimate plan involves me writing a great book about something (i have no idea what yet, but it'll come to me. i started at least like 4 books so far. all completley different)
and then getting it published
somehow getting it to oprah and having her actually read it
then i'm on her list
and the money pours in.

see it works out.
but i have to actually write the damn thing first.

*sigh*

soon come.

soon come.

things i've noticed...

2008-07-08T21:27:00.002-04:00

so i've had some time away.

i needed it. some things have changed (in a wonderful way),
some things have stayed the same.
either way,
i feel better.

anyway,
just like the title says, this is just some things i've noticed recently.

-my computer at work is posessed. either that or somebody who had no business doing so, was touching it in some way, shape or form and now its... retarded looking. like the font's all big and retarded, the spacing and margins are all hooky and what not.
i can hardly look at the thing. cause the home screen's all jacked and huge and the WORDS LOOK LIKE THIS. seriously, i can the shit from the back of the room if the light is right.
*sigh*
and i know its easy to fix. but for some strange reason i can't remember how and i always forget to ask someone when i'm there. so i've been suffering with retardo screen for a few days now. i think i'm over it.

-rihanna (is that how you spell it?) is like a dead fish on camera. currently, i'm watching her "top ten summer of soul countdown" and it's like...looking at someone who maybe missed a wee bit of air upon birth. like maybe if it was a breach birth, and they weren't getting air, but they should be?... yeah like that. imagine that in front of a camera.
yeah
thats exactly what i'm seeing. and then the accent doesn't help. it just makes her sound slower.
...this is mean. and i really don't want anyone to think that i'm a hater. (well i kinda am, but hating on people for bigger things than being a 'tard. c'mon, that can't be helped). i actually like rihanna. i'll freely admit that i downloaded "pon de replay" when it came out and proceeded to burn it on mix cd's and blast it in the whip. i actually own "good girl gone bad" and listen to it on occassion.
but... i will never, ever, ever, ever go see her in concert. i can't even begin to imagine how boring it must be to see her stand there, sing (if you can honestly call that singing), and...stand there. she may strut back and forth, but mainly there she is... in the middle...singing. who wants to pay 65-70 dollars for that? i know i don't.
she's pretty too.
i don't know. they just need to the same for her personalilty/stage presence that they did for her appearance.
that's all i'm saying.

-celebrities seem to have nothing better to do than get pregnant between movie deals. well, maybe i should say...young white girls. i'm assuming, that that is the reason that it is acceptable for them to do so when they are unmarried, sometimes young (i'm looking in your direction jaime lynn) and ill prepared for post children, and so so SO wrong with let's say a young black woman does the same thing. think of juno (which i love btw. that whole argument with her stepmother was hilarious). juno was about a 16 yr old white girl who upon sexing her crush gets pregnant. and the hilarity ensues.
yes, she was ostracized at school, by the boy's parents and strangers in the street
yes, she had to deal with (some) of the emotional issues that are involved with having a child while still being a child.
but
her situation was a cake walk when its compared with those of young black females.
a part of me while watching, laughing and crying with juno, was hating it for the vast difference between that, and their (shaniqua n em) reality.

...i don't know where that rant came from. which leads me to my last point

-i think that last epiphany actually took. i've never felt more relaxed or more... outspoken. and it feels good.

i'm back.

i need a break

2008-06-27T04:15:00.002-04:00

for real.

i dont know if its another vacation
or just some time away.

yeah,
i just need some time away from it all.
and everyone.
all i wanna do is sit
and not be annoyed by all the same shit that's been annoying me for awhile.

man who knows.

i just know that i'm exhausted
i'm just getting home
and i didnt really have a good time.
all i know is that as a celebration for someone's birthday (who consequently stood me up for mine. so the real question is, wtf was i even doing there in the first place right? i mean seriously, we kinda halfway made plans for my day and then what... i go to change my clothes, call and then no answer. i didnt even know we still DID that in 08.)
i watched people get fuckin smashed
i almost saw a white dude get trashed
and i ended up being extremely angry at the lack of respect that i seem to have with the homies.

and do you know what i couldve been doing instead?
what i normally do of course
with someone that makes me laugh
and possibly a quick roll in the hay??

*sigh*

this is some bullshit.
i'm off to get 4 hours of sleep now.

bastards...

i'm sposed to be in bed but

2008-06-24T23:25:00.002-04:00

i turned on the bet awards.

now i have to say, i dont normally watch these things anymore.
i used to sit and stare and watch for 3 hours everytime the mtv/grammy's/whateverthey'veinventedthatmeansnothing award and soak up every little bit
but now
i completely understand what my mom was talking about when she used to say that she hated those
cause its a whole bunch of unnecessary shit with performances littered about
so,
with the wonderful invention of tivo
i tivo
then fastforward through all the random celebrities thanking the lord and mentioning their homies
and stop at every performance.

this night
i dont have any tivo (damn you directv!)
so i wasnt gonna watch it. but i came home, and turned on the tv
and.... what the hell is this?? alicia keys singing with...swv
and...tlc (sans left eye. which just makes them tc. nothing without the l)
and EN VOUGE?!?
i know they came on in the middle, but ALL FOUR MEMBERS OF EN VOUGE TOGETHER
ON
ONE
STAGE
!!!

sheesh.

and then to top it all the way off
maxwell singing al green.

then al green taking it all the way to church. both love and happiness and let's stay together.

and now i can't sleep.
cause i'm hype.

...i had something of value to say, but i can't remember what it was.

damn bet.
ruining it for everyone.

r.i.p.

2008-06-23T08:08:00.002-04:00

george carlin 1937-2008

its weird that i learned to appreciate foul words from this man isn't it?

well... him and eddie murphy.

2008-06-19T16:06:00.003-04:00

this has been a reflective period for me
i know i've been saying that alot lately. but in all seriousness, i'm slowly but surely getting to know myself.
maybe this is the awakening that i was waiting for all this time.
sheesh
i had to make it all the way to 27 huh?

ah well...

i feel like rambling. so... this is probably gonna be long.
humor me.

*a cousin of mine did some crazy things back in the day. said crazy things managed to get him locked up, doing some serious time. i miss him. i haven't seen him since the day of his sentencing and that was what...7 years ago? yeah. i remember i was working at the third circuit courthouse and i went to the sentencing while on my lunchbreak.
and when they read the verdict, i could almost feel my face go white. i walked alone back to my job, got all the way upstairs,
and as soon as someone spoke to me i just broke down. sat in the conference room and sobbed.
he called me out of the blue the other day. now i wanna go see him. he's close by so it's possible. but...i don't wanna cry in front of him. but i know i will.
damn.

*speaking of people doing time, what about the other one? i've been sending/receiving kites now for 6 or so years. aside from the fact that he's in prison, in W.VA no less, this is actually the longest relationship that i have ever had with a man. i wonder what that really means...

*i'm watching killer klowns from outer space right now. gotta love netflix.

*today is my neices 13th birthday. she was brought into this world the night before i graduated from middle school (beeber 95!!) i walked down the aisle that morning tired and with red eyes, but i saw my neice for the first time. i didnt care.
she was THE prettiest baby that i had ever seen.
eyes were gun metal gray and surrounded by the longest, darkest eyelashes.
our genes must be real strong in the family, cause she looked exactly like me when i was her age.
and now here she is...13.
she likes boys,
she's getting all her appropriate parts.
and
its
freaking
me
out.
i love her to death tho. and i'm hella proud of who and what sh'e become so far. i can't wait for her to get older so i can see how she matures, and what she decides to do.
but
if i see her with or around anyone with a penis, doing anything innapropriate i will have to do something unlady like.
i wouldnt be able to handle that.
not at all.

*my job is trying to kill me. slowly but surely. its not going down tho.

* i picked up the paper and saw this
how hot is that? she was trapped for 50+ hours and she still delivered her baby.; and the baby's the healthy. sometimes i need things like these to jump start my faith in things. the world gets bleak sometimes.

*that kid who got shot on graduation day is now famous for being shot on graduation day. i'm pissed about that. who knows what this young man had in store for himself when he got to school. his injuries weren't life threatening but he will be defined by this situation. and i don't think that its fair. he should be able to remember that day with fondness.

and

this shit with city is beginning to take a toll on me. i actually found myself considering going some place else. i never wanted to leave philly. or if i did, i would go for awhile and come back. but this crime spree has me thinking i might not make it back.
and i hate that.
honestly, its bad everywhere.

he said it best.

i'm bored

2008-06-18T09:13:00.004-04:00

and i felt like stealing other people's survey's

so yeah enjoy.

also peep the peeps at gordon gartrelle radio. listen. love. learn.

A N S W E R - T R U T H F U L L Y

1.

Do you like anyone?
sometimes. most of the time i just like myself
2.
Do they know it?
i think so. maybe... maybe not. can't remember
3.
Simple or complicated?
always complicated. wouldn't be me if it wasn't

IN - T H E - L A S T - M O N T H - H A V E - Y O U

4.
Had sex?
no

5.
Bought something?
yup

6.
Gotten sick?
yup

7.
Been hugged?
yup

8.
Felt stupid?
depends on how you define stupid. not really...embarrassed yes..

9.
Talked to an ex?
yup

10.
Missed someone?
yup

11.
Failed a test?
almost

13.
Danced?
i actually don't dance anymore. all i do is this.

14.
Gotten your hair cut?
does trimmed count?

15.
Lied?
sure have.

U N I Q U E

16.
Nervous habits?
i scratch the back of my head, twirl my hair around my finger.

17.
Are you double jointed?
nope. thats kinda gross

18.
Can you roll your tongue?
around what?

19.

Can you raise one eyebrow?
yea

20.

Can you cross your eyes?
lol yea

21.
Do you make your bed daily?
hardly ever.

22.
Do you think you are unique?
all day

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R'S

23.

Said "I Love you"?
more than enough

24.
Given money to a homeless person?
sure
25.
Smoked?
trying to quit

26.
Waited all night for a phone call?
not all night. only phone calls i wait for are one's than involve money

27.
Snuck out?
nope

28.
Sat and looked at the stars?
whenever i can

M A N N E R S

29.
Do you swear/curse?
every day. damn.

30.
Do you ever spit?
when?

31.
You cook your own food?
nope

32.
You do your own chores?
yup. no maid here.

33.
You like beef jerky?
beef jerky time! nope.

35.
You're happy with your life?
content. getting there. its a process

36.
You own a dog?
not yet.

37.
You spend your money wisely?
nope

38.
Do you like to swim?
don't know how

39.
When you get bored do you call a friend?
most of the time

D O - Y O U - P R E F E R'S

41.
Flowers or angels?
flowers

42.
Gray or black?
black

43.
Color or black and white photos?
black and white

44.
Lust or love?
can't i have both?

45.
Sunrise or sunset?
both

46.
M&Ms or Skittles?
both

48.
Staying up late or waking up early?
stayin up late

49.
Being hot or cold?
cold

50.
Winter or Fall?
fall

51.
Left or right?
right

52.
Having 10 acquaintances or 2 best friends?
2 bf

53.
Sunshine or rain?
sunshine. rain if it's nighttime and i'm feeling randy

more have you evers;;

Sleep in a bed of the opposite sex?
sure.

Hooked up in the woods?
yup

Drank a bottle of alcohol by yourself?
yup

Hooked up in the shower?
not yet.

Been Dumped?
yup

Stolen money from a friend?
stolen money...yes. from a friend...no.

Slept naked?
everynight

Been in a fist fight?
nope

Snuck out of your house?
no

Had a crush on a teacher?
yup. in 9th grade

Seen someone die?
nope

Been on an airplane?
yes... flying metal deathtraps they are

Slept all day?
last sat to be exact

Missed someone so much it hurt?
all day

Fallen asleep during school?
yup

Been lonely?
yup

Cheated in a game?
yup

Been to the ER?
yup
Been in a car accident?
twice i think

Missed your first love?
first love...nope.
first reciprocated love?...all the time.

Cried yourself to sleep?
yup

Sung in the shower?
yup

Kissed a complete stranger?
no

Laughed so hard you cried?
yup

Cheated on a bf/gf?
yup

Regretted hurting someone?
yup

Regretted loving someone?
all day

Been SUPER happy?
can't remember

i'm xtra reflective

2008-06-17T07:47:00.002-04:00

for some reason.
i had a REAL trying weekend

someone broke into my car (for the 2nd time!)
and stole nothing.
when i went to get in that fine saturday morning all i saw was the window
and the trunk was open
this was the first thing that popped in my head.

*sigh*

then later that night in an effort to drown my sorrows
i got a wee bit wasted
thought i lost my debit card
canceled my debit card
and later found said debit card between the pages of the unnecessary notebook i keep in my bag

*sigh*

but,
all in all it was okay
(this is my glass being half full)
i was able to get the window fixed for a very good price
i was able to pick up a new debit card (cause commerce is the GOAT when it comes to those things)
and last night i saw some friends that i haven't seen in a dog's age.

so
like
i'm okay i guess. i only scrunched my face up like twice yesterday
and, i didnt have a newport the whole day.

hmm... guess it was good right?

2008-06-12T01:38:00.003-04:00

like i said the other day
i have an attitude.
but its not my normal kind of attitude. i'm not really angry. i'm just...frustrated maybe.
i can't really think of the correct way to describe it.

maybe it is pms.
thats always a possibility. i've always been an emotional person
i've never been very vocal about them though. i cry, i just choose not to do it in public (well, not counting the flight home from miami or my father's funeral)
tears are a private expression
something thats specifically for that person
to help them cope.
plus,
when i really, REALLY cry
like sob
it's wickedly unattractive. swollen eyes, snotty nose
it's just not cute.

but,
recently (after the vacation) i've been expressing more emotions than normal
i'm making people aware of my frustrations
and it's good. i feel good.

i don't know. i just felt like sharing.

* * *

i really have been single for awhile.
i mean,
the last actual relationship was the crazy dude. and when did that end? 04?
yeah,
everything else after that had ulterior motives. and plus, the crazy dude was well...crazy. and he def soured me on the whole "let's be together" idea.
and i was cool with that for awhile. turned down people. broke a few hearts.
but now... i don't know.
i'm kind of at a crossroads.
on one hand, i would love to be loved. be comfortable. get to know someone and make it work.
on the other... do i really feel like being bothered?
i mean,
a man...a relationship, its a like a job. i already have a full time gig, and i'm in school. i dont really have time to stroke someone's ego.

i'm not an advocate of casual sex.
one night stands just seem dirty to me.

how the hell do i crave monogamy and run from it at the same time?

*sigh*

whatever.
i'm going to bed.

p.s.
to that extra retarded girl that works at the wendy's in south philly. you are the epitome of the word stupid. there is no reason for me to have to repeat my order 3 times, and still get to the window and have it be wrong. there is no way that a ceasar side salad sounds like a sour cream and chive potato. i am amazed that you have lived this long without serious injury.
no seriously,
you should be wearing a helmet.

one more thing

2008-06-11T00:05:00.003-04:00

i can't seem to get the imeem to work for me.
now mostly this is due to the fact that i:
a) hardly got any rest last night because it seemed as though hades relocated to my room.
and
b)took two (yes 2) simply sleep about... an hour and a half ago. and i've been fighting it ever since.

either way i can't think.
*see previous post if you don't believe me. it started out with a very valid point*

anyway, to quote kanyeezy

this is my shit right here.

2008-06-10T22:06:00.002-04:00

it's so hot outside that i can't seem to think straight.
the only silver lining that i can see is that it's to hot to even eat. for breakfast i had a couple swallows of dunkin donuts iced tea (which btw is the GOAT. much, MUCH better than mcdonalds. mcdonalds is swill...lol. j/k)
for lunch (which was taken at like 2/2:30) was a few pieces of pineapple and a strawberry
...and dinner?
a small green apple and strawberry kiwi water ice. i got a cheese pretzel too, but i let it sit for too long. and i don't know about you, but eating a pretzel with cold, congealed cheese whiz on it just isn't how i want to spend my evening.

i actually have some reading to do for class. but that involves me reading and actually comprehending things...and i don't think that i can clap my hands to that.

so...

yesterday was my bday. and i am (still) making an honest effort to keep things on the up and up
and see the glass as half full.
but normally, when i decide that morgan with a smile on her face (instead of the normal scowl*) is something that needs to happen more...someone or something needs to piss in my cheerios.

*sigh*

i don't know.

i have an attitude that i can't shake. some things are going on....
and i miss my uncle,
my dad

i think i'm just pms-ing
either that or i need a hug.... preferably a naked one
but...
a hug will do.

i dont even think this made any sense.

sorry ya'll

*there is a reason for the constant scowling. two kinda. 1)if i don't have my sunglasses on and the sun is like brighter than a steve harvey suit, i have to squint to see. 2)i happen to be one of the few people who can't control their facial expressions. whatever i'm thinking, reads on my face. so yeah, that last chick that on the empire waisted, mini dress from rainbow...yeah that grimace was for you.

singing

2008-06-09T12:13:00.002-04:00

doooo you know what todaaaay is?
it's my anniversary...

yay!

27.
wow.
i'm kinda getting up there.
but i had kind of a breakthrough (yes another one)
but, the other day my mother and i were talking,
and she's decided that by the coming of her next birthday, she's no longer going to do anything that she doesn't want to
and i agree.
so with this birthday
i think i'm instituting a new agenda.
i'm no longer doing things that i don't want to/don't feel like
cause the only person that i'm punishing is myself
also,
i'm getting to old to be this negative
i've realized that i'm a glass is half empty kind of a person
and i'm tired of it
i'm working on a whole new positive outlook on this shit
cause the way its been working before
obviously, isn't working
so.... the time for apologies is over, what we need now is change

and a change is soon gonna come.

but,
all in all
27 is a good thing.
with each passing year
i look better
feel better
and get much, much wiser
and i appreciate that.
* * *

to all the people that i know that didnt make it this far
i appreciate what time we had
i love and miss you dearly
wish that i could have this shot with you
instead of taking it for you
miss you
donyelle
masio
atif

and daddy

p.s.

2008-06-07T04:56:00.001-04:00

just in case you weren't aware of the coming holiday

but
*ahem*

my bday is monday

... that is all.

i'm in my bag

2008-06-07T04:46:00.003-04:00

i dont really like to use random slang
there's always a brand new way to say absolutely nothing
and i try not to get down with that.

but this
this fits me so much
especially now.

are we all noticing what time it is?
just in case we're not
as i am typing this sentence the clock on the screen reads 4:47 a.m.
i just got in the house like 15 mins ago
i came in alone (as usual)
and i am going to bed alone (once again as usual)
all of this i am used to
but
as i sit down to watch some tv and fall asleep

what's that i hear??
wait...you've gotta be fucking kidding me
is that the chick next door...fucking??

come one man
i mean
the single life (right now) is the life for me
i'm cool with that
and until i buy my home
i'm still corporate thuggin with my mom.
and i don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mother
but mine doesn't include me bringing jawns home.

*sigh*

i just keep thinking that if i fall asleep it'll be cool

if only this chick would shut the hell up

2008-06-04T23:16:00.005-04:00

the hopeless romantic side of me is starting to rear its ugly head once again
sometimes the need to be in love gets crazy
i dont know if its love that i want
i miss the affection involved
i dont know
i've always been a crazy affectionate person
there's nothing more exciting than the mouth
i mean
you can always tell how a person feels by how they kiss
kisses say so much.

and
i havent been kissed
i mean like really REALLY kissed in a while
and i miss that.

and then i start thinking about the last relationship that i was in
how long ago that was
and then i start missing my ex.
*sigh*
i blame the rain
i always think about these kinds of things when its raining
something about this weather.

just cause this was my song

things i learned on vacation:

2008-06-03T22:11:00.002-04:00

1. sleeping all day is the greatest thing in the entire world. don't let anyone tell you anything different.

2. the lovely people of sunny isles need to get a better cable hook-up.

3. even though i know that its necessary for me to travel, the idea that i might someday once again be hurtling through the air on a airplane scares the shit out of me.

4. but in all seriousness, the fact that i actually got on the plane (hyperventilating beforehand while my mother rubbed my back/crying silent, shaky tears during, trying not to sob in front of strangers afterward) is making me pretty damn proud.

5. speaking of cable. mc lyte for some reason has nothing better to do than voiceovers for bet's new dating hit "the boot". and now damn if i'm not hooked.

5. the presence of a stove does not mean that we need to make a full course meal.

6. i was actually glad to see philly.

there's probably more. but i'm STILL exhausted and i have a crazy amount of things to do. i didnt really take any pictures, i think just some of the view from my room. i remember what everything looked like, it seems kinda selfish but the trip was for me. so... it is what it is i guess.

happy to be home tho.

nevermind

2008-05-29T17:13:00.002-04:00

all fears aside
i NEED to get out of this city

real talk.

this shit is for the birds

i'm freakin out man...

2008-05-28T22:56:00.005-04:00

i don't want to keep bitching and complaining about this upcoming flight

i want to be able to enjoy the fact that i am going on vacation
instead of being kinda hype
but dreading the fact that i have to spend 2 hours suspended in the air
in a giant cylinder
i know that i'm being dramatic
VERY dramatic at that
but this is a serious fear
a deeply intense fear that i have held on to for about 10 years now.

and i'm facing it

dead on

on friday morning

the way back is probably going to be a piece of cake
cause i will have already been through it
and i'll probably be drunk (depending on the time of flight. i mean come on, only drunks start at 7 am)
and i'll be ready to be home.

but now,
i'm just a huge ball of nerves.
tensing at the very idea of where i'll be come friday morn.

woosah indeed.

p.s. i REALLY should be writing a paper right now. at least i started it right??

shout outs

2008-05-27T20:55:00.002-04:00

i don't know what to say.
i've been looking at this screen for like the last 5 minutes
trying to say something that is right smack in the middle of pride and extreme sappy affection.
i keep landing on the sappy affection side.

meet aeon (if you haven't already. you should have though...i'm just sayin)
producer
beat-maker
lover of all things melodic and laced with rhythm.

he has a permanent place on the right of your screen.
not just cause he's fam, but because he's got talent and deserves all the praise/press he gets.

this remix is hot.
the first time i heard it i was at work
turning it up as loud as physically possible with a monitor
and ducking my supervisor at the same time.

keep an eye on this one kids.

he's gonna make it.

once again

2008-05-25T22:59:00.003-04:00

this is random.
but my mind is a million places at once
and since it will take waaaay to much effort to get them all together,
into one cohesive, coherent package
i'll just deal with thoughts and ideas that happen to pop into my head
cause as we all know
i'm lazy and would much rather cut corners.

- this plane ride to miami is quickly approaching. i want to go on the vacation. i want to be in miami on the beach somewhere. but the actual getting there is what happens to be the problem. plane rides and being all high up in the air with no where to go but down... my stomach is getting all crampy just thinking about it. i need to find a way to get over this anxiety about it. or i'll be stuck in philadelphia for the rest of my life. and we def can't have that.

-it's saturday night. and instead of being out somewhere drinking and having a good time; i'm home, on the internet, watching the net...avoiding homework. *sigh*

-i'm thinking hard about my life...relationships and such. i keep meeting the same type of people. thug types, people who have criminal affiliations, or previous records. now, keeping in mind that i am a young black woman, who happens to be attracted to young black men. and we both live in a world that has a tendency to imprison young black males...at a higher rate than others. this means, that it is kind of inevitable to end up with someone who might have at one time been on the other side of the law.

i'm okay with that.

its just that the i tend to end up with the crazy ones too. maybe it's something about me that attracts the crazies. maybe i like that kind of thing.

that's scary.

-i realize that the rumor is that he's gay.

but there is something seriously about him that drives me crazy. and this song....sheesh.

-i'm bored out of my mind. i need to go to sleep. but i have so many things that i need to do. and none of them are on here.

-i'm slowly realizing that i have a thing for young dudes. i wrote this earlier, but i was half serious then.

seriously,
there is something in the water. i may have been to young to notice. but were the boys my age looking that good, then? i highly doubt it. i mean i've had a young boy crush on him for awhile.

damn. i feel kinda gross right now.
at least he's 18 right??

right??

i just need to get out more.

2008-05-24T04:09:00.002-04:00

*sidebar* i'm still a little tipsy so this may come out a little jumbled. but i had to say it.

why did i have to see him?
i mean he just pops up out of nowhere
i haven't been to the hood bar in awhile, i haven't even been up that far on broad since school ended
but the one night i decide to drive on up to broad and erie
he decides to walk in the bar.

i know that i was staring at him
cause i saw him first
i've always been hella observant, it's just something in my nature
so when he walked in i justv studied his face
he lost a little weight
and its obvious
but it looks good
he looks good

i kept glancing behind me
cause i wanted to talk to him. but for some reason i wouldn't allow myself too

i even came back in the bar to see if i could find him
he had gone by that time
damn...

now i'm gonna dream about him
i dont feel like that shit
i had just stopped talking about him
damn.

2008-05-18T21:31:00.004-04:00

i'm tired.
yesterday, well last night was a hard night towards the end
and i got in the house kinda late.
early to some. 5 something in the morning. i beat the sun at least, if only by a few seconds.

i haven't been to a club in a minute.
i decided that there is a certain caliber of people that i want to avoid that tend to frequent those things.
you have the girls who are dressed as if it were a video shoot for some new luke. (for those that are too young for luke, here's some. that was one of favorite party songs when i was younger. that says alot i think.)
it's amazing how much skin is seen at a club these days. last night i saw a girl wearing what looked like a lace pillow case. except it would've been one of those extra large cases for those extra large pillows. that chick was huge. not cool man. not cool.

the metrosexual male. pretty, well dressed. extremely clean looking.
not saying that i have a problem with that. dirty fingernails on a man are something that cannot be forgiven. i mean, those hands touch places that don't work well with grime. gross.

the hood dudes.
men/women who are obviously trolling for ass.

plus, statistic wise
the club is def swarming with disease.
last night there were at least 200 people crowding the dance floor and hanging at the bar. statistically, more than a few of them have the package.
i know it's weird to think about that sort of thing. i can't help it that i do.

i don't know.
the club scene just hasn't been for me for awhile. i was doing this when i was was 17/18. i had my 19th birthday party at a club who's patrons were required to be over 25. i've been taking shots, getting crazy sauced and dancing the night away with random strangers for awhile.

now, all i really want to do is listen to some nice music and sip some patron'.

or,
sip some patron' and sit my happy ass down in my own house.
cause in all honesty
all the fun that i want to have
can be had in my house.

2008-05-15T22:20:00.002-04:00

school started again.
i was hype in the beginning. like "ooh i'm going back to class... can't wait"
and then i realized that i (once again) have to pay attention to things and write papers.
but,
on the bright side i was able to find the textbook on ebay for 30 dollars
when even on amazon it was over 100

i find out i have allergies yesterday
the biggest offender: cats
which doesn't really bother me that much. i was never a huge fan of cats. the one we were allowed to have when we were young, dug up one of my mom's favorite plants.
she got rid of it soon after.
plus... they seem kind of pretentious. bougie even.
i've always been a dog person
...did i mention i have a dog allergy too?

i'm still getting a dog though.

my tv sucks
for some reason, my television when it's not connected to cable/dish it doesn't work.
or maybe i just haven't figured it out yet
either way all i have been doing is watching dvd's
all.the.time.
it was cool in the beginning.
i restarted my netflix and fell back in love with my queue. started watching movies that i forgot that i had.

but now... in week 4 of this madness
if i watch "married with children" seasons 1,2 or 3 one more time
i just might pull a britney spears and shave all my hair off.

i had a dream that i was dating chris brown last night
which wouldn't be weird if i actually thought of him like that
i mean he's cute and all
but he's so young. so much younger than me
maybe this means i have a thing for young dudes
...hmm. maybe...
or its just this

yeah
its that.
let me find a 19 yr. old out in the streets that looks like this.

sheesh.

2008-05-11T19:50:00.002-04:00

i'm bored.
i sincerely need to develop more of a social life.

i could be using this time to write
my book isn't going to write itself, and some new poems couldn't hurt
but instead i'm bs-ing online
looking at random pairs of shoes and the occassional dress.

*sigh*

some part of me wants to call that nut ass dude
some affection never hurt anyone
and i've been lacking in the hugs and kisses department for awhile
other parts of me would just rather stay at home and finish watching the addams family

i wonder which parts are gonna win out.

plus, i feel bad sometimes
it feels as if i'm taking advantage
he said that he loves me
and i feel nothing
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
its just that i can sit and be silent at his house
well... not really. i can sit and ignore him and be silent.

i would just go and smoke a newport
but i gave them up (again)
the last cig i had was on wed

...i'm bored.

so, so bored...

2008-05-11T00:20:00.002-04:00

i wanna be loved like there's no one watching me
i wanna be embraced in the arms of someone who cares
i don't want that story book love
no
i know that arguments are made for make up sex
and i know that heavy breathing and harsh words sometime translate into
i love you

* * * *

i wrote that in 04.

for some reason i've been looking through old journals
i used to write so much,
everyday i would have whatever journal i was using at that moment and just sit and write.
whole days are chronicled.
it's weird
i'm reading old thoughts and feelings
and of course this is making me think...reflect.

i've been looking for love for quite awhile it seems.
my current journal goes all the way back to 2003
and in teeny, tiny script my desire for love is detailed.

i read about the last dude i actually wanted to be with.
it was at least 3 summers ago
i havent seen him in like 2 years.
we spent so much time together. we never put a label on anything. and when i decided that i wanted more
he said he didn't
so i moved on

and then of course he caught an attitude.
men... i mean i could write a whole month's worth of entries on what confuses me about them...probably more.

i miss him sometimes.
he had this wonderful abiliity to make me smile
he told me once that he loved to see that, so he kept doing it.
he was probably just capping my head up, but i allowed it.

we even had the same birthday.

...i don't know. i'm nostalgic, i'm (kinda) tipsy, and i just wanted to share

2008-05-07T13:13:00.003-04:00

*sidenote about the video: for some reason the fact that they're playing "i shot the sheriff" makes me chuckle just a little bit.

this is some bullshit.

i normally try to keep my composure when it comes to things because it makes no sense getting angry.
but this....

seriously, this is some bullshit.

i understand that a officer got shot and killed
i understand that "tensions" are high
but how in the hell does that give them the right to beat someone like that? i don't care about what's going on, their emotions... none of that matters to me.
what matters is that these people were hired to do a job that requires them to put their personal issues, beliefs, emotions..whatever, to the side, AND DO THEIR JOB.

today was the first time that i saw this shit.

and i wanted to throw up.

i couldn't even begin to count how many cops were kicking and hitting
at one point towards the end, cops are seen dragging one of the handcuffed suspects.
DRAGGING
because previously an officer can be seen kicking that same suspect repeatedly in the legs.

wtf?!?

i don't know
i'm beginning to get more and more dissapointed in my city as the years go by

...and wtf was the point of the mayor asking the NRA for an apology to the family?

grr.

2008-05-06T08:31:00.004-04:00

i remember being 16.
granted, i was a slight nerd at that age (thanks mom!)
but my friends.... some were VERY mature for our age.

to be a woman at any age is a struggle.
but at that age you're faced with so many choices/decisions
many of which dictate how you lead the rest of your life. but of course no one is ever thinking about the long term plan... i mean you're only 16
your whole world is waiting ahead of you.

so many girls were sexually active then.
making adult choices when they were still children at heart.
a few even walked down the aisle at 8th grade graduation carrying their first.
8th grade...
i just finished playing with barbie and ken
and they're pushing out babies.

i think i got my first real kiss at 16.
almost all my friends then (girls and boys) were having sex and running back to virginal morgan and recounting all the details
and of course i absorbed everything.
my curiosity was peaked of course, but never so much that i give in.
that was me though.
i guess the fear of GOD, my mother, and my father saying to me at a very young age that he wanted me to wait, kept playing in my mind.

some girls don't have that.
some girls don't have the guidance or the support of a family to aid them with making correct decisions.
some girls actually have adults/parents pushing them into situations that they can't or shouldn't have to handle.
it's just so much.

they need to be nutured and guided.
this is something that people should be deeply involved in. because who are young women but future mothers, lovers, teachers...
follow the links and get involved.

empowerment for girls
may 7th is the national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy.

i'm tired

2008-05-05T09:28:00.002-04:00

like everything feels heavy.
i think its cause i really need this vacation thats coming up.

i'm gonna be off from work for 10 days
the last day being my bday (which should be a national damn holiday....june 9th. holla)

i'm going to miami
for 4 days and 3 nights. i really need some time away from philly, but the impending plane ride has me spooked. i never really liked small places like that. and the idea of being stuck there for 2 hours really, REALLY freaks me out. but 2 hours on a speeding metal deathtrap is much better than 18 hours in one. ...the car though is at least on the ground. (don't get me started)

the responsibility that comes with being an adult is getting on my nerves. i know that i have no choice when it comes to getting older. the only alternative is death...my mom tells me that all the time. but now, i HAVE to do things. i HAVE to pay bills. i HAVE to establish myself as an adult. there's no choice in the matter.
i like choices. i opt for choices. and this just seems unfair.

ah well.

time to leave the childish things aside i guess.

i bought a whole pack of newports today.
this is the first time in months that i have done this. i can feel my chest tightening as we speak. ...i need to give some of these away. this morning the craving was just to hard to get over. so i stopped and spent 4 something on some cancer. now that i think about it i spent more than that on smokes last week. damn loosies.

this is random again.

i need to actually sit and think of some things to write about. otherwise we're all going to get bored with this thing.

6 Quirks MeMe

2008-04-30T12:12:00.003-04:00

i've been tagged by smell goods '98

Rules:
Link the person who tagged you.
Mention the rules in your blog.
Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged.

let me see if i can think of 6 quirky things about myself...
hmm...

1)i have a fear of midgets. i really don't know where it came from, i normally attribute it to my uncle being a smaller person...but who knows if thats true. my friends laugh cause i always run.

2)i am a pack rat. for some reason i can't throw things away. which explains why i still have a copy of the first issue of BLAZE magazine with JAY-Z on the cover. i think it came out in 00. yeah...imagine my room.

3)i'm a hypercondriac but not afraid of germs. can't make sense of that.

4)I HATE TO HEAR PEOPLE CHEW. ugh...its worse than nails on a chalkboard.

5)most of the time i'm not really listening. if you look close enough and you can see my eyes glaze over... you're not interesting and i'm just nodding and smiling to pacify you.

6)even though i LOVE body art, have wanted a tattoo since i was 16, have people drawing tats for me...i have yet to get any. the permanence of it all freaks me out.

i'm tagging (because i'm hella nosy...lol) imsoalmondie, baby oprah , coloredgurl

i'll tag more later. gots to get back to work

2008-04-29T13:44:00.003-04:00

okay
i'm always complaining on here about the various stresses in life but i hardly go into any detail.
i feel like sharing for some reason.
so...
here's my love affair with cigarettes.

when i was younger i used to hate going to my father's house. not for any nefarious reasons but because of the extreme level of smoke.
my father was a serious smoker. Kools, 2 packs a day. 2 FULL packs a day. how many smokes in a pack...thats 48 kools in one day. yeah...it was crazy. there wasn't a moment that he didn't have a lit cigarette in his hand.
(subsequently it was the cigs that killed him. lung cancer is a bitch)

i don't know what made me make that jump from hate to love...but suddenly i was smoking.

in the beginning it was something that was done while drinking. something about menthol and booze...they compliment each other so well. i could quit so easily back then. for 2 or 3 weeks i could found in the bar, with a newport, playing music on the jukebox. then suddenly without warning i'd be sick of them and give it up. months at a time... nothing.

i started smoking more when i starting dating more. the men that i chose to date smoked at least a half a pack a day (the last guy was close to a full pack). and you know how it is...whatever you can do i can do better.
thats when i graduated to buying packs.
not just any pack...but for some reason it seemed wrong to buy the shorts. so i smoke 100's (the cadillac of cancer sticks)

*sigh*

i know these things are killing me. i keep trying to quit. the last time i quit, it lasted for at least a month before someone pissed me off and i grabbed for one.
haven't bought a pack in forever. but loosies are just as bad.

i can't say whatever. cause its my health on the line.
but...

whatever

weekend update

2008-04-28T15:22:00.003-04:00

this past weekend was a bucket full of craziness.
i have to stop letting people get the best of me. i get so worked up over basically nothing, and even though i keep saying that its gonna stop
i'm gonna learn how to just shrug and say "fuck it"
my blood still boils
my head still pounds
and i still get angry

have i mentioned latley that i'm losing my faith in people?
i have always been a trusting and loving person,almost always to my own detriment. but i can't help who i am, so i trust, and love, and continously get my heart broken and feelings hurt.
just like sergeant murtaugh i'm getting to old for this shit.

that sean bell aquittal
*sigh*
i think the part that upsets me the most is the comment that the judge made. i can't remember the exact words, and i'm refusing to look it up cause i just calmed myself down. but it was to the effect of, the witnesses of the crime were a bunch of convicted felons and drug dealers, so their testimony wasn't to credible.

wtf??

so you're telling me that 5 of my friends could witness a policemen shoot me
but because they've sold drugs before you're not going to believe what they say?
what kind of ass backward logic is that?
are we aware of just how many people have been through the system? been convicted of something?
i know people out there who had no choice but to hustle, sell drugs...so they could eat, have clothes to wear.
but because they did that, their testimony won't hold up in court.
seriously?

i just have a serious level of disgust for a lot of things right now.

i need a vacation

NOW!

2008-04-25T10:59:00.005-04:00

the other day when i walked past the newsstand, i saw this

stacy dash is like 44 or something... i know she's 40+.
*sigh*

the following is a list of 40+ women who are SONNING me right now.
i REALLY need to step my game up, or women with AARP cards are gonna take my man.

madonna:

she's at least 50 right? or as close to it without actually touching it. this is complete craziness, but i have respected madge's G for years now. the hung up and ray of light videos made me realize that this woman is a beast.

stacy dash:
the pic of her up there should be enough. but every role that i have seen her in, she's played someone significantly younger than she actually is. how old was the character on clueless?? 16?? yeah, and everyone believed it. she probably looks younger than her friggin children.

pilar sanders:

i have yet to actually watch deion and pilar, but i'm hearing its good. how she actually enjoys being married to someone who remade "must be the money" is beyond me. at least he stopped wearing neon green suits right? has to be her doing.

angela basett:

do you want a ticket to the gun show? remember in "what's love got to do with it?" when she was kicking ike's ass? i was scared for him (even tho, like every other woman in the world i was cheering). she should've kicked his ass in the beginning.
also, she still has the face of a teenager. you know what they say about black women and aging...

demi moore:

she's always been a cougar (hey ashton!) but does she have to look good doing it? aren't her children in high school or something? yeah... thats a shame.

i'm close to 30. 30!
i have no problem getting older, especially if i can look like this.

*runs to the nearest gym*

i'm in a glass cage of emotion

2008-04-23T08:04:00.003-04:00

well, not really.

i'm approaching a crossroads
quickly approaching i should say.
a lot of things are on the brink of change (buying a house, moving out of my moms for good)
and some are constantly changing (school, dudes i like...crap like that)
and my head feels like its spinning
i think i'm developing adult allergies, all of a sudden pollen counts, count.
either that or i have a constant stress headache.

i've been at my current place of employment for almost 2 years
if you look at my resume, i tend to stay at jobs until the 2 yr mark, then move on up.
it doesn't look as if that is gonna happen this time.
maybe i can change departments. i can feel the complacency sticking to me when i leave here at 5.

these shoes are calling me.

i found my external. (see previous post)
it was in my car. of course i found it after i retyped all my papers that i had due, but at least it was found.
i'm hella glad that no one was reading anything on there
this should be my impetus to start writing again
i am my own worse critic. sometimes it becomes to much and i stop writing.
gotta keep motivated.

...dunkin donuts makes some damn good iced tea

oh
and
pennyslvania
sucks
sometimes

2008-04-18T14:57:00.003-04:00

i'm pissed because i lost my mini external
not only did it have my papers, already typed, that are due sat and monday respectively
but it alos had music, and the beginnings of my novel
i keep hoping and praying that one day it will surface in the abyss that is my car
but i have this feeling that i lost it on my way to, or while in my english class
people read those things (i know i would)
i hope no one is reading/stealing my shit.

this is disheartening.

i know that i need to write more.
i keep putting it off, cause of my whole "i'm scared to fail" thing
but i need to get my novel out there.
if terry woods can do it, so can i.

2008-04-16T09:55:00.000-04:00

just cause i'm feeling the same way as yesterday.

and plus this is my song

2008-04-15T07:37:00.002-04:00

being single can be lonley sometimes.
i mean it certainly has its perks (not having to share a bathroom, answer random stupid questions etc...)
but most of the timei honestly just want someone to cuddle with.
most of the time i'm dying for some form of affection
or should i say reciprocal affection.
because its possible to kiss someone and not mean it
(i've done it so i'm assuming that others have done it too)
no i want to be held by someone who actually feels the same way.

maybe i need to lower my standards.
i CAN be too picky at times.
sometime even lip pigment was a deciding factor
(pink lips. NOT sexy on a man. it looks like he has a vagina on his face. ...and don't forget height. height is major.)

who knows.

i just know that i'm sick of the thugs, corner boys and youngins

i want more.

and i'm willing to wait.

random thoughts

2008-04-11T09:48:00.004-04:00

-my mind is everywhere. i blame the fact that i have yet to finish this paper that is due tomorrow morning @ 9

-why do i have 30 new voicemail messages?? smh

-if i stop calling you, don't return your call and don't answer when you call...how come you still call? can't take a hint can you?

-the sidekick LX is a 400 dollar piece of sheit. if i could go to customer service and hum this at them i would. i miss my nokia phone.

-i really REALLY don't feel like going to this meeting today. if this doesn't pertain to a raise of some sort, or maybe more vacation time added, i could honestly care less. its amazing that i am awake and actually working at this point. making me attend meetings actually makes me want to start stabbing people with sporks.

-is it wrong that i wanna date his friend? i mean, we were never really a couple...and his homie is cute.

-buying a house feels like its gonna be the death of me. i'm already stressed and i'm not even in there yet. sheesh.

-yeah Canon, why DOES flavor flav have a sitcom? he's not cooning enough on flavor of love?

-i just watched juice for the first time (yes, i know...i'm late) yesterday. it was a good movie. is it wrong that the entire time i was staring at tupac wishing we could've done the hibidy dibidy before he died? matter of fact me and raheem need to have some words too.

-i'm terrified of the fact that i have to get on a plane in less than a month. but yes, i will get on it even if i need to drink some syrup so i don't flip out.

-calgon...take me away.

2008-04-08T08:06:00.016-04:00

this is gonna be long...and painful
but they say that speaking about these things are theraputic.
God knows that i need therapy. especially about this.
it's been a few years and this shit still makes me nauseous.

*sigh*

here is goes.

: : :

i met him through a friend.
i remember it was my birthday party at the stinger (yes...i was hood back in the day). i think i was turning 23. he came with friends and as soon as i saw him i was stuck.
we spoke, danced a little
after it was over, i told my homie to give him my number
he didn't call.
i was dissapointed. but i got over it.
and then the next week...he called.

our first date:
he picked me up and we went to some bar on germantown ave. (the good part, what is that chesnut hill?) we had a few drinks
and damn if i wasn't easy
yes...i gave it up on the first night
no...i'm not ashamed (it was good dammit)

it was a whirlwind after that.

i can admit now that i was sprung. i mean, it was good and i hadn't had it like that since...well ever. girls always lose their minds over the first dude to make their legs shake. i was no different.

my mom always tells me that hindsight is 20/20. she ain't never lie.

looking back i can see the complete one sided-ness of it all.
whenever we went out, i paid. and dammit i'm not a cheap date. movies...dinner, everything. on me.
my car became our car. granted, i never let him borrow it but he drove whenever we were together. and we went wherever he wanted.
i introduced him to all my friends. some liked, some disliked. but i didn't care... i was in love.
and i was blind...so damn blind.

that first week, after the first date when that girl called me. she said the normal things that are said to the other woman.
who is he to you?
how long have you known him?

i should've left him alone then.

then you have the times that i should've gotten the hint. days would pass...no word from him.
we would be together and he would have to leave abruptly
assinine excuses fit for teenagers
and i fell for it...hard.

i can't remember what happened. what made me decide to leave him alone. mose likely it was the mounting concern from close friends, or maybe the cheating became too obvious. but i decided that i wanted and was worth more. so i left.

a saw him a few days later. he tried to feign cocnern, tried to soft talk me back. but i knew.

the next day a girl called asking if i knew him. my heart still dropped, because i knew how she felt.

::fast forward to the present::

it still hurts to hear/say his name.
now the hurt is a mixture of heartache and shame.
heartache because i actually loved him. seriously loved him with all my heart. it wasn't just about the sex. he was one of the (very) few that got all of me. and i got nothing in return.
shame because i should've known. i should've listened to that tiny inner voice that was screaming bloody murder telling me that he was no good. shame because i did SO much and got nothing in return.

i'm still recovering from this.
i still have the emotional scars. i wear them proudly, they ensure that this won't happen again.

...maybe this is why i'm still single.
i'm fearful of opening myself back up...so i don't.
i'm fearful of being taken advantage of...so i take the advantages.

i feel bad sometimes. every new guy has to pay for his sins.
but i like i said to a friend.. somebody's got to.

: : :

i might as well get the rest out too, since a co-worker just brought it up. and its weird, i just typed this today and then it comes out in coversation.
so here's the rest.
this is why this whole situation is crazy, because this is what he did. i have absolutley no closure when it comes to him, and i never will.
and now that i'm thinking about the signs were there. i remember the night that he had me drop him off at 69th street. he said he needed to visit a friend at West Chester.
we met in july, and according to the press they started dating in august.
some parts of me think that it was her that called me that day.
some parts of me wonder why this wasn't me.

*sigh*

my headache just came back.

2008-04-07T14:50:00.003-04:00

for some reason i can't think.
my mind has been a million places at once for like the last couple of days and its killing me

i have papers that i have to write (yay procrastination!)
i have houses that i have to look at
i have a job that i have to do (or at least look like i'm doing it)

all of these things need to be taken care of
actually concentrated on.

and all i can seem to think about is getting laid.

2008-04-03T13:58:00.004-04:00

this one is kinda hard to explain.

i have this amazing ability to develop crushes at the drop of a hat. it's that whole process of being attracted and then having that turn into "like" after getting to know that person. i think i skip that step sometimes and just become blinded by the beautiful teeth and just... go.

i digress.

i had a crush on him when i was young. we grew up together, our mothers are (to this day) the best of friends.
so he knew me when i had pigtails and smudged clothes.
he threw a cat on me for god's sake. and he still laughs about that...and tells other people.

but once again, i digress.

his family moved down south and he went down there and grew up. i would still see him from time to time, he would come up...hustle, see some friends and then go back.
everytime he saw me, the surprise would take a second to register on his face.
"you look like a woman"
(i've always taken this to mean that they're surprised that i've grown boobs and an ass)
and then he would smile.
oh...thats the one that would get me. it's the confident, i'm so sure of myself smile that only some guys can pull off. the *i want you to want me too* smile.
i LOVE that smile.

him being the popular thug that he is ended up where popular thugs end up. me being the selfless (ha) person that i am decided to write him.

the letters man.
in the beginning strictly friendly...cute. it was still obvious that he thought of me as a little sister.
then we talked. the letters never became sexual (or i should say overly sexual. i mean, c'mon he's in prison for god's sake. i can imagine that 23 of the 24 hours in each day are spent thinking about the sex he's not getting. even while he's sleeping)
but it wasn't like that. it was more of him getting to know the adult me.

i've been writing him for like 6 years now.
in the grand scheme of things, this is THE longest relationship that i've ever been in. (i wonder what that says about me. hmm...) we've had our ups and downs. and believe me, arguments had on paper are just as bad as ones that are face to face. except you can go back read the insults over and over.

but regardless of what out present situation is without fail every holiday, valentine's day and birthday i get...something. at the very least a card. this man has done more for me in jail, than any dude i have ever dated.

wow... i just realized the severity of that last statement.

damn.

2008-04-02T07:36:00.005-04:00

a friend and i were on our way back to her apartment. i can't remember exactly where we had gone...probably Eagles (yes, i know. it's hood. but the Smooth Bitches be calling me.)
on the way back home we took our normal tour de hood and my homie sees her young dude.
he and his homie follow us to her place

now here's the deal:
i had worked all day (also had gone out the previous night)
a friend had given me tickets to the free Jay-Z show the next morning,
but it started at like 8 or 9 (sometime that was ridiculously early for a concert...but it was Jay-Z...)
i can't remember what time it was that we all got back to the apt, but somehow it made sense for us to just stay awake.

anyway, my homie and the young dude went to handle their business and left me in the room with his homie
we'll call him DDB, dirty dorito boy.
his breath smelled like a mixture of cool ranch doritos, dirty socks and ass.
yes..ass.
and he was drunk/high...real drunk/high

i'm laying on the bed buried beneath covers...comfortable and trying to ignore the salivating youngster with breath from the pits of hell

him: *rubbing my leg* you sleep?
me: *moving my leg* trying to be
him: so...what's up? what you tryna do?
me: *sleepily* sleep. take a nap i have things to do in the morning.
him: *pause* look...no disrespect but i'm tryna pound.
me: *sitting up* HUH?!

laughter ensues.

this shit only happens to me.

2008-04-01T07:57:00.006-04:00

people have me remembering things
or at least wanting to remember things.
alot of my relationships/encounters were funny,
some funny in the HA HA sense, some funny in the dramatic,why is this happening to me way
it's weird
but now i wanna share too.
sharing (i think) will help relieve some of this tension off my neck

...

this one started with young me. me circa 1994-95. middle school me.
it was during one of me and FLD (first love dude, post will come...maybe), it was during one of our breaks.

he was taller than me. lightskinned (he started my love affair with the lighter toned man...him and christopher williams... damn.) he had beautiful eyes, and a smile that could light up a dark room.

i was in love...immediatley.

it was the perfect example of a grade school relationship.
-we were in M.G. together. the days that we were to be bused for classes were the happiest days of the week for me. i could sit and stare at him all day. at lunch we would sit in the same booth, on the same side, me with my legs resting comfortably in his lap.
-remember in middle school when you could send colored carnations to various people for valentine's day? he bought me my first one.

it didn't last long. but the sound of his name still put butterflies in my stomach long after it was over.

i remember being in H.S, getting a call from a friend.
"he's in the hospital, cancerous tumor in his arm. he had it removed"
i bought an outfit, fixed my hair for a 15/20 min visit.
i can still see that HUGE smile when i came in the room...it still makes me smile.

...fast forward a few months later...

another phone call.
"he died"
my mouth went dry. i couldn't speak for a minute.
i actually called a mutual friend to make her call his house.
"ask for him please"
i didn't want to hear them say it.

when the phone rang again i knew it was true.
i cried and cried, ran to her house...cried and cried.

this was the one that makes me wish for more. if i could turn back time indeed. i never even kissed him. i can almost imagine what his lips tasted like.

this was our song.

2008-03-31T09:15:00.004-04:00

sidebar: everything hurts. i just started going to the gym again, and... my personal trainer is trying to kill me. but thats what i'm paying him for, so it all makes sense i guess.

but,
my inner revolutionary is peeking her afro'd head out
i'm seeing racial divides in everything
for some reason every situation to me can be seen in black and white.
and i don't know what to make of it.

at work:
some things are just obvious
lady at work: ooh i like your bracelet. (stares harder) is that Tiffany's? DID you get that from Tiffany's?
me: yup
l@w: did you put that on layaway? does Tiffany's have layaway?
me: *startled pause* w-what?...

wtf?!?

and then there was the day that i was asked if i were a welfare to work recipient (by the same chick btw)

now that i think about it, this is mostly happening at work.

...now i'm constantly going to be going over every conversation i have with a fine toothed comb

this site gets me through the day though
http://stuffblackpeoplehate.com/

2008-03-28T15:35:00.003-04:00

i'm hella agitated today for some reason
like, everything that anyone (outside of friends...well actually they're pissing me off too so...) is saying to me is like making me wanna pull my hair out while beating them with metal rods.

so yeah,

this cheered me up a lil bit

this did too

and so did the fact that its almost time for me to go home.

sigh

2008-03-26T22:22:00.000-04:00

this is the kind of situation that sparks debate and kicks up the moral fiber in people. it makes them want to speak up/ speak out. the look of disgust is already setting in to people's faces.

those four boys... cause that's all they were, in highschool have ruined any hope of a future that they could have possibly had. they made a stupid decision that is going to change the course of their lives.
next year instead of either starting a new school year, or starting college, they'll either be on trial or in prison.

I'm assuming (and listening to rumors) because I haven't seen the news and gotten the full story. but from what I'm hearing they were Gratz students.
so (once again) this is me assuming that these 4 boys are black. and (still) assuming that the man was white.

I can almost imagine how it started. they thinking that that childish shit was funny, decided to mess with someone on the way home. I mean, bully syndrome and all that. some people feel powerful when they're bitch slapping others.
they decide to pick a white dude...black people are too stressed and aren't afraid to slap someone else's child.
the last actual report I saw stated that they chased, harrassed and assaulted that man. they hounded that man. still, up until this point this is still a joke: something to pass the time on the way home.

then the guy has a heart attack.

suddenly a prank (a disgusting display of a lack of proper child rearing...but nonethless a prank) becomes murder. I can't remember, I have to watch more law and order eps, but murder 2 is some time in prison.

and you know somebody is becoming somebody's bitch.

can you imagine leaving Gratz and going to Gratersford? ...me either.

I'm rambling... and this is long.
I'm just pissed and REALLY disapointed.
suddenly this makes it okay for a constant and continuously aggravated police presence on public transformation, and just one more reason for them to mess with black folk.

come on youth of philadelphia. do better.

2008-03-26T15:13:00.000-04:00

just thought i'd share.

shameless self promotion

2008-03-25T16:37:00.004-04:00

i can't write today for some reason.

i don't know what it is, but i can't concentrate today.

i think its cause everyone here is tapdancing on my nerves.

*sigh*

so... to keep the 3 people that actually read this thing occupied, i'll post a link to my old blog this should be required reading for people who wanna get to know me.

let me know what you think.

lord help us all

2008-03-25T08:42:00.002-04:00

yesterday i had this whole speech based on the plight of golddiggers and how i slightly wanna be down
but i left it at home
and then i came to work and saw this:

and this

some extra religious Filipinos decided that it was a good idea to nail themselves to crosses. and whip themselves... seriously.
now religion is a serious topic that i really don't feel like going into, cause it leads to arguments and teeth gnashing.

but, come on.
do we as human beings really need to go this far.

i am, like kinda speechless.
and that hardly ever happens.

slightly dissapointed...

2008-03-22T13:11:00.000-04:00

alright.
I need everyone's attention right now. I'm feeling a little... I can't really explain it. but I'm feeling something. and I just need to get it off my chest.
last night I was in the car with a close friend and we were talking about something that seems insignificant now. in the middle of said insignificant conversation I had an epiphany (sidebar: the other day at work I saw that somewhere in the continental united states there is a woman named EPIFANIE. why do I know she's black? anyway, just thought I'd share.) the epiphany was: I've done absolutely nothing with my life.
there... I said it. why don't I feel better?
let's see... why do I say this?

-i'm 26, turning 27 in june.
-i have been about 3 places in my lifetime (philly, south carolina, and atlanta that time we had the family reunion. oh...and orlando too. that's 4)

I have no kids, no husband basically nothing is holding me here.

-I've never traveled even though it's my dream to see the world.
-i have yet to finish school (26 yr old undergrads are not sexy)

I have basically done nothing. and it sucks.

I swear if I could go back in time and shake my 17 yr old self, I would. "LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER" I'd scream and press plane tickets, and a resolve to do/want better into my waiting hands. I mean... come on. I'm knocking on 30's door and here I am just getting started.
it feels like I just woke up and here I am still in the same place, still doing the same things. and I'm tired.

I could try and blame my current situation on a lot of things. absentee father, fucked up relationships, a lack of a "can do" attitude. but the honest to God truth is that I'm hella lazy and mortified of failure.

I am sooo terrified of being the one who tried and didn't make it. and the idea of failing publicly...
I don't want to be the one that people see and say "tsk...tsk. remember her?? she was the one that almost did [whatever] and tanked. God... if it were me I would've..."

so I do nothing.

*sigh*

I don't know ya'll.

and before you even say it, I know it's not that bad. I know that there are people that have it waaay worse than me. people who have to clutch and fight just to make it to the bottom, so they can work their way to the top.
but what do you do when your greatest adversary is yourself? what do you when you rather remain complacent than fail at the thought of it all?

s'whatever I guess.

but like every year I'll say it (again) this year:
this year I won't be my worse enemy
this year is the year I change
this year is MY year.

I just really have to do it this time.

speaking of the elderly

2008-03-21T11:37:00.003-04:00

i figured i would show my age...

this was my 8th grade dinner dance theme. it was 1995.

the first album (cassette tape, remember those?!) i ever bought

the first concert i ever went to

just because i love this song

told you i was getting up there.

singing

2008-03-21T08:26:00.003-04:00

back in the days when i was young/ i'm not a kid anymore/ but some days i sit and wish i was a kid again...

fa sho.

i went out last night to hear a friend sing. i haven't been to an open mic show in years. since tiffany bacon used to host "inner city" at brave new world (which is now pinnacle i think...whatever, it's next door to the federal prison.) i had a good time.
but i got home at 2:38 a.m.
i'm normally in bed on work nights at 10:30 or so. at least before family guy comes on. and i mean completley in bed (face washed, teeth brushed, hair wrapped...everything.) then here i am, strolling in at 2:38 like i'm young.
so, now i'm exhausted, i have to wear my glasses so i'm not squinting at everyone, i have no idea what my hair looks like...but i'm at work.

being an adult sucks sometimes doesn't it?

2008-03-19T07:48:00.002-04:00

The other day I mentioned to my mother that I had a crush. She then commented that I was "too old to have one." I nodded in aggreement, but when I got upstairs I started to really think about it. Am I too old for a crush? Is there an age limit?

When I was younger, everyday was a brand new possibility of falling in love. And I loved that. I was narrowing down my wants, my desires... my likes. In all sincerness...I love men. All shapes and sizes, colors and creeds... I appreciated all of that. Crushing was a good way of expressing that because it allowed me to act without actually acting.

Fast forward to today. Yes I am still completley and totally in love with men (almost to my own detriment, but that's another longer, more depressing entry.) And yes I still have the occassional crush. Now I am at the age though where friends are getting married, starting families... and here I am still experiencing the school girl crush. Now at this age, acting without actually acting is just a fancy way of saying "complanceny" or "letting life pass you by while you sit and do absolutley nothing."

Maybe that's what I'm too old for; sitting back and letting potential love interests pass me by. I mean, I'm really not getting any younger. And to quote Marissa Tomei, "my biological clock is ticking..." I can't use the same excuses as before, me being shy is no reason to keep going on like this.

Seriously, I don't know what it is. I'm nervous around people I actually like (it seems the losers get the best of my personality...go fig.) So it's much easier to just have a crush and leave it at that. I mean, no one ever gets rejected in a daydream.

Maybe this is the time that needs to be more than a crush.

found a better vid. lol

the life and times of a hopeless romantic

*crickets*

hey now!

my bad

*tear*

quick update:

sam cooke/obama said it best

*cue the dancing winkies*

randomness...

*ahem*

things i did this weekend...

you like me....you really really like me...

originally

so...

reason #673425891

dear solange,

yet another musical meme

i needed to share

well

the bliss questionnaire

i'm bored/in pain @ work

things that i need to do:

i miss the 90's

let me say it slow

i've been up since 3am

just because

i have a headache

things i've noticed...

i need a break

i'm sposed to be in bed but

r.i.p.

i'm bored

i'm xtra reflective

one more thing

*singing*

p.s.

i'm in my bag

things i learned on vacation:

nevermind

i'm freakin out man...

shout outs

once again

i'm tired

6 Quirks MeMe

weekend update

i'm in a glass cage of emotion

random thoughts

*sigh*

shameless self promotion

lord help us all

slightly dissapointed...

speaking of the elderly

*singing*

crickets

tear

cue the dancing winkies

ahem

singing

sigh

singing