i need a break

for real.

i dont know if its another vacation
or just some time away.

yeah,
i just need some time away from it all.
and everyone.
all i wanna do is sit
and not be annoyed by all the same shit that's been annoying me for awhile.

man who knows.

i just know that i'm exhausted
i'm just getting home
and i didnt really have a good time.
all i know is that as a celebration for someone's birthday (who consequently stood me up for mine. so the real question is, wtf was i even doing there in the first place right? i mean seriously, we kinda halfway made plans for my day and then what... i go to change my clothes, call and then no answer. i didnt even know we still DID that in 08.)
i watched people get fuckin smashed
i almost saw a white dude get trashed
and i ended up being extremely angry at the lack of respect that i seem to have with the homies.

and do you know what i couldve been doing instead?
what i normally do of course
with someone that makes me laugh
and possibly a quick roll in the hay??

*sigh*

this is some bullshit.
i'm off to get 4 hours of sleep now.

bastards...

i'm sposed to be in bed but

i turned on the bet awards.

now i have to say, i dont normally watch these things anymore.
i used to sit and stare and watch for 3 hours everytime the mtv/grammy's/whateverthey'veinventedthatmeansnothing award and soak up every little bit
but now
i completely understand what my mom was talking about when she used to say that she hated those
cause its a whole bunch of unnecessary shit with performances littered about
so,
with the wonderful invention of tivo
i tivo
then fastforward through all the random celebrities thanking the lord and mentioning their homies
and stop at every performance.

this night
i dont have any tivo (damn you directv!)
so i wasnt gonna watch it. but i came home, and turned on the tv
and.... what the hell is this?? alicia keys singing with...swv
and...tlc (sans left eye. which just makes them tc. nothing without the l)
and EN VOUGE?!?
i know they came on in the middle, but ALL FOUR MEMBERS OF EN VOUGE TOGETHER
ON
ONE
STAGE
!!!

sheesh.

and then to top it all the way off
maxwell singing al green.

then al green taking it all the way to church. both love and happiness and let's stay together.

and now i can't sleep.
cause i'm hype.

...i had something of value to say, but i can't remember what it was.

damn bet.
ruining it for everyone.

r.i.p.

george carlin 1937-2008


its weird that i learned to appreciate foul words from this man isn't it?

well... him and eddie murphy.

this has been a reflective period for me
i know i've been saying that alot lately. but in all seriousness, i'm slowly but surely getting to know myself.
maybe this is the awakening that i was waiting for all this time.
sheesh
i had to make it all the way to 27 huh?

ah well...

i feel like rambling. so... this is probably gonna be long.
humor me.

*a cousin of mine did some crazy things back in the day. said crazy things managed to get him locked up, doing some serious time. i miss him. i haven't seen him since the day of his sentencing and that was what...7 years ago? yeah. i remember i was working at the third circuit courthouse and i went to the sentencing while on my lunchbreak.
and when they read the verdict, i could almost feel my face go white. i walked alone back to my job, got all the way upstairs,
and as soon as someone spoke to me i just broke down. sat in the conference room and sobbed.
he called me out of the blue the other day. now i wanna go see him. he's close by so it's possible. but...i don't wanna cry in front of him. but i know i will.
damn.

*speaking of people doing time, what about the other one? i've been sending/receiving kites now for 6 or so years. aside from the fact that he's in prison, in W.VA no less, this is actually the longest relationship that i have ever had with a man. i wonder what that really means...

*i'm watching killer klowns from outer space right now. gotta love netflix.

*today is my neices 13th birthday. she was brought into this world the night before i graduated from middle school (beeber 95!!) i walked down the aisle that morning tired and with red eyes, but i saw my neice for the first time. i didnt care.
she was THE prettiest baby that i had ever seen.
eyes were gun metal gray and surrounded by the longest, darkest eyelashes.
our genes must be real strong in the family, cause she looked exactly like me when i was her age.
and now here she is...13.
she likes boys,
she's getting all her appropriate parts.
and
its
freaking
me
out.
i love her to death tho. and i'm hella proud of who and what sh'e become so far. i can't wait for her to get older so i can see how she matures, and what she decides to do.
but
if i see her with or around anyone with a penis, doing anything innapropriate i will have to do something unlady like.
i wouldnt be able to handle that.
not at all.

*my job is trying to kill me. slowly but surely. its not going down tho.

* i picked up the paper and saw this
how hot is that? she was trapped for 50+ hours and she still delivered her baby.; and the baby's the healthy. sometimes i need things like these to jump start my faith in things. the world gets bleak sometimes.

*that kid who got shot on graduation day is now famous for being shot on graduation day. i'm pissed about that. who knows what this young man had in store for himself when he got to school. his injuries weren't life threatening but he will be defined by this situation. and i don't think that its fair. he should be able to remember that day with fondness.

and

this shit with city is beginning to take a toll on me. i actually found myself considering going some place else. i never wanted to leave philly. or if i did, i would go for awhile and come back. but this crime spree has me thinking i might not make it back.
and i hate that.
honestly, its bad everywhere.



he said it best.

i'm bored

and i felt like stealing other people's survey's

so yeah enjoy.

also peep the peeps at gordon gartrelle radio. listen. love. learn.

A N S W E R - T R U T H F U L L Y

1.

Do you like anyone?
sometimes. most of the time i just like myself
2.
Do they know it?
i think so. maybe... maybe not. can't remember
3.
Simple or complicated?
always complicated. wouldn't be me if it wasn't



IN - T H E - L A S T - M O N T H - H A V E - Y O U

4.
Had sex?
no

5.
Bought something?
yup

6.
Gotten sick?
yup

7.
Been hugged?
yup

8.
Felt stupid?
depends on how you define stupid. not really...embarrassed yes..

9.
Talked to an ex?
yup

10.
Missed someone?
yup

11.
Failed a test?
almost

13.
Danced?
i actually don't dance anymore. all i do is this.

14.
Gotten your hair cut?
does trimmed count?

15.
Lied?
sure have.




U N I Q U E

16.
Nervous habits?
i scratch the back of my head, twirl my hair around my finger.

17.
Are you double jointed?
nope. thats kinda gross

18.
Can you roll your tongue?
around what?

19.

Can you raise one eyebrow?
yea

20.

Can you cross your eyes?
lol yea

21.
Do you make your bed daily?
hardly ever.

22.
Do you think you are unique?
all day

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R'S

23.

Said "I Love you"?
more than enough

24.
Given money to a homeless person?
sure
25.
Smoked?
trying to quit

26.
Waited all night for a phone call?
not all night. only phone calls i wait for are one's than involve money

27.
Snuck out?
nope

28.
Sat and looked at the stars?
whenever i can

M A N N E R S

29.
Do you swear/curse?
every day. damn.

30.
Do you ever spit?
when?

31.
You cook your own food?
nope

32.
You do your own chores?
yup. no maid here.

33.
You like beef jerky?
beef jerky time! nope.

35.
You're happy with your life?
content. getting there. its a process

36.
You own a dog?
not yet.

37.
You spend your money wisely?
nope

38.
Do you like to swim?
don't know how

39.
When you get bored do you call a friend?
most of the time

D O - Y O U - P R E F E R'S

41.
Flowers or angels?
flowers

42.
Gray or black?
black

43.
Color or black and white photos?
black and white

44.
Lust or love?
can't i have both?

45.
Sunrise or sunset?
both

46.
M&Ms or Skittles?
both

48.
Staying up late or waking up early?
stayin up late

49.
Being hot or cold?
cold

50.
Winter or Fall?
fall



51.
Left or right?
right

52.
Having 10 acquaintances or 2 best friends?
2 bf

53.
Sunshine or rain?
sunshine. rain if it's nighttime and i'm feeling randy

more have you evers;;

Sleep in a bed of the opposite sex?
sure.


Hooked up in the woods?
yup

Drank a bottle of alcohol by yourself?
yup

Hooked up in the shower?
not yet.

Been Dumped?
yup

Stolen money from a friend?
stolen money...yes. from a friend...no.

Slept naked?
everynight

Been in a fist fight?
nope

Snuck out of your house?
no

Had a crush on a teacher?
yup. in 9th grade



Seen someone die?
nope

Been on an airplane?
yes... flying metal deathtraps they are



Slept all day?
last sat to be exact

Missed someone so much it hurt?
all day

Fallen asleep during school?
yup

Been lonely?
yup

Cheated in a game?
yup

Been to the ER?
yup
Been in a car accident?
twice i think

Missed your first love?
first love...nope.
first reciprocated love?...all the time.



Cried yourself to sleep?
yup

Sung in the shower?
yup

Kissed a complete stranger?
no

Laughed so hard you cried?
yup

Cheated on a bf/gf?
yup

Regretted hurting someone?
yup

Regretted loving someone?
all day

Been SUPER happy?
can't remember

i'm xtra reflective

for some reason.
i had a REAL trying weekend

someone broke into my car (for the 2nd time!)
and stole nothing.
when i went to get in that fine saturday morning all i saw was the window
and the trunk was open
this was the first thing that popped in my head.

*sigh*

then later that night in an effort to drown my sorrows
i got a wee bit wasted
thought i lost my debit card
canceled my debit card
and later found said debit card between the pages of the unnecessary notebook i keep in my bag

*sigh*

but,
all in all it was okay
(this is my glass being half full)
i was able to get the window fixed for a very good price
i was able to pick up a new debit card (cause commerce is the GOAT when it comes to those things)
and last night i saw some friends that i haven't seen in a dog's age.

so
like
i'm okay i guess. i only scrunched my face up like twice yesterday
and, i didnt have a newport the whole day.

hmm... guess it was good right?

like i said the other day
i have an attitude.
but its not my normal kind of attitude. i'm not really angry. i'm just...frustrated maybe.
i can't really think of the correct way to describe it.

maybe it is pms.
thats always a possibility. i've always been an emotional person
i've never been very vocal about them though. i cry, i just choose not to do it in public (well, not counting the flight home from miami or my father's funeral)
tears are a private expression
something thats specifically for that person
to help them cope.
plus,
when i really, REALLY cry
like sob
it's wickedly unattractive. swollen eyes, snotty nose
it's just not cute.

but,
recently (after the vacation) i've been expressing more emotions than normal
i'm making people aware of my frustrations
and it's good. i feel good.

i don't know. i just felt like sharing.

* * *

i really have been single for awhile.
i mean,
the last actual relationship was the crazy dude. and when did that end? 04?
yeah,
everything else after that had ulterior motives. and plus, the crazy dude was well...crazy. and he def soured me on the whole "let's be together" idea.
and i was cool with that for awhile. turned down people. broke a few hearts.
but now... i don't know.
i'm kind of at a crossroads.
on one hand, i would love to be loved. be comfortable. get to know someone and make it work.
on the other... do i really feel like being bothered?
i mean,
a man...a relationship, its a like a job. i already have a full time gig, and i'm in school. i dont really have time to stroke someone's ego.

i'm not an advocate of casual sex.
one night stands just seem dirty to me.

how the hell do i crave monogamy and run from it at the same time?

*sigh*

whatever.
i'm going to bed.

p.s.
to that extra retarded girl that works at the wendy's in south philly. you are the epitome of the word stupid. there is no reason for me to have to repeat my order 3 times, and still get to the window and have it be wrong. there is no way that a ceasar side salad sounds like a sour cream and chive potato. i am amazed that you have lived this long without serious injury.
no seriously,
you should be wearing a helmet.

one more thing

i can't seem to get the imeem to work for me.
now mostly this is due to the fact that i:
a) hardly got any rest last night because it seemed as though hades relocated to my room.
and
b)took two (yes 2) simply sleep about... an hour and a half ago. and i've been fighting it ever since.

either way i can't think.
*see previous post if you don't believe me. it started out with a very valid point*

anyway, to quote kanyeezy

this is my shit right here.

it's so hot outside that i can't seem to think straight.
the only silver lining that i can see is that it's to hot to even eat. for breakfast i had a couple swallows of dunkin donuts iced tea (which btw is the GOAT. much, MUCH better than mcdonalds. mcdonalds is swill...lol. j/k)
for lunch (which was taken at like 2/2:30) was a few pieces of pineapple and a strawberry
...and dinner?
a small green apple and strawberry kiwi water ice. i got a cheese pretzel too, but i let it sit for too long. and i don't know about you, but eating a pretzel with cold, congealed cheese whiz on it just isn't how i want to spend my evening.

i actually have some reading to do for class. but that involves me reading and actually comprehending things...and i don't think that i can clap my hands to that.

so...

yesterday was my bday. and i am (still) making an honest effort to keep things on the up and up
and see the glass as half full.
but normally, when i decide that morgan with a smile on her face (instead of the normal scowl*) is something that needs to happen more...someone or something needs to piss in my cheerios.

*sigh*

i don't know.

i have an attitude that i can't shake. some things are going on....
and i miss my uncle,
my dad


i think i'm just pms-ing
either that or i need a hug.... preferably a naked one
but...
a hug will do.


i dont even think this made any sense.

sorry ya'll


*there is a reason for the constant scowling. two kinda. 1)if i don't have my sunglasses on and the sun is like brighter than a steve harvey suit, i have to squint to see. 2)i happen to be one of the few people who can't control their facial expressions. whatever i'm thinking, reads on my face. so yeah, that last chick that on the empire waisted, mini dress from rainbow...yeah that grimace was for you.

*singing*

doooo you know what todaaaay is?
it's my anniversary...

yay!

27.
wow.
i'm kinda getting up there.
but i had kind of a breakthrough (yes another one)
but, the other day my mother and i were talking,
and she's decided that by the coming of her next birthday, she's no longer going to do anything that she doesn't want to
and i agree.
so with this birthday
i think i'm instituting a new agenda.
i'm no longer doing things that i don't want to/don't feel like
cause the only person that i'm punishing is myself
also,
i'm getting to old to be this negative
i've realized that i'm a glass is half empty kind of a person
and i'm tired of it
i'm working on a whole new positive outlook on this shit
cause the way its been working before
obviously, isn't working
so.... the time for apologies is over, what we need now is change

and a change is soon gonna come.

but,
all in all
27 is a good thing.
with each passing year
i look better
feel better
and get much, much wiser
and i appreciate that.
* * *


to all the people that i know that didnt make it this far
i appreciate what time we had
i love and miss you dearly
wish that i could have this shot with you
instead of taking it for you
miss you
donyelle
masio
atif

and daddy

p.s.

just in case you weren't aware of the coming holiday

but
*ahem*

my bday is monday


... that is all.

i'm in my bag

i dont really like to use random slang
there's always a brand new way to say absolutely nothing
and i try not to get down with that.

but this
this fits me so much
especially now.

are we all noticing what time it is?
just in case we're not
as i am typing this sentence the clock on the screen reads 4:47 a.m.
i just got in the house like 15 mins ago
i came in alone (as usual)
and i am going to bed alone (once again as usual)
all of this i am used to
but
as i sit down to watch some tv and fall asleep

what's that i hear??
wait...you've gotta be fucking kidding me
is that the chick next door...fucking??

come one man
i mean
the single life (right now) is the life for me
i'm cool with that
and until i buy my home
i'm still corporate thuggin with my mom.
and i don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mother
but mine doesn't include me bringing jawns home.

*sigh*

i just keep thinking that if i fall asleep it'll be cool

if only this chick would shut the hell up

the hopeless romantic side of me is starting to rear its ugly head once again
sometimes the need to be in love gets crazy
i dont know if its love that i want
i miss the affection involved
i dont know
i've always been a crazy affectionate person
there's nothing more exciting than the mouth
i mean
you can always tell how a person feels by how they kiss
kisses say so much.

and
i havent been kissed
i mean like really REALLY kissed in a while
and i miss that.

and then i start thinking about the last relationship that i was in
how long ago that was
and then i start missing my ex.
*sigh*
i blame the rain
i always think about these kinds of things when its raining
something about this weather.



just cause this was my song

things i learned on vacation:

1. sleeping all day is the greatest thing in the entire world. don't let anyone tell you anything different.

2. the lovely people of sunny isles need to get a better cable hook-up.

3. even though i know that its necessary for me to travel, the idea that i might someday once again be hurtling through the air on a airplane scares the shit out of me.

4. but in all seriousness, the fact that i actually got on the plane (hyperventilating beforehand while my mother rubbed my back/crying silent, shaky tears during, trying not to sob in front of strangers afterward) is making me pretty damn proud.

5. speaking of cable. mc lyte for some reason has nothing better to do than voiceovers for bet's new dating hit "the boot". and now damn if i'm not hooked.

5. the presence of a stove does not mean that we need to make a full course meal.

6. i was actually glad to see philly.


there's probably more. but i'm STILL exhausted and i have a crazy amount of things to do. i didnt really take any pictures, i think just some of the view from my room. i remember what everything looked like, it seems kinda selfish but the trip was for me. so... it is what it is i guess.

happy to be home tho.