nevermind

all fears aside
i NEED to get out of this city

real talk.



this shit is for the birds

i'm freakin out man...

i don't want to keep bitching and complaining about this upcoming flight

i want to be able to enjoy the fact that i am going on vacation
instead of being kinda hype
but dreading the fact that i have to spend 2 hours suspended in the air
in a giant cylinder
i know that i'm being dramatic
VERY dramatic at that
but this is a serious fear
a deeply intense fear that i have held on to for about 10 years now.

and i'm facing it

dead on

on friday morning

the way back is probably going to be a piece of cake
cause i will have already been through it
and i'll probably be drunk (depending on the time of flight. i mean come on, only drunks start at 7 am)
and i'll be ready to be home.

but now,
i'm just a huge ball of nerves.
tensing at the very idea of where i'll be come friday morn.

woosah indeed.

p.s. i REALLY should be writing a paper right now. at least i started it right??

shout outs

i don't know what to say.
i've been looking at this screen for like the last 5 minutes
trying to say something that is right smack in the middle of pride and extreme sappy affection.
i keep landing on the sappy affection side.

meet aeon (if you haven't already. you should have though...i'm just sayin)
producer
beat-maker
lover of all things melodic and laced with rhythm.

he has a permanent place on the right of your screen.
not just cause he's fam, but because he's got talent and deserves all the praise/press he gets.

this remix is hot.
the first time i heard it i was at work
turning it up as loud as physically possible with a monitor
and ducking my supervisor at the same time.

keep an eye on this one kids.

he's gonna make it.

once again

this is random.
but my mind is a million places at once
and since it will take waaaay to much effort to get them all together,
into one cohesive, coherent package
i'll just deal with thoughts and ideas that happen to pop into my head
cause as we all know
i'm lazy and would much rather cut corners.

- this plane ride to miami is quickly approaching. i want to go on the vacation. i want to be in miami on the beach somewhere. but the actual getting there is what happens to be the problem. plane rides and being all high up in the air with no where to go but down... my stomach is getting all crampy just thinking about it. i need to find a way to get over this anxiety about it. or i'll be stuck in philadelphia for the rest of my life. and we def can't have that.

-it's saturday night. and instead of being out somewhere drinking and having a good time; i'm home, on the internet, watching the net...avoiding homework. *sigh*

-i'm thinking hard about my life...relationships and such. i keep meeting the same type of people. thug types, people who have criminal affiliations, or previous records. now, keeping in mind that i am a young black woman, who happens to be attracted to young black men. and we both live in a world that has a tendency to imprison young black males...at a higher rate than others. this means, that it is kind of inevitable to end up with someone who might have at one time been on the other side of the law.

i'm okay with that.

its just that the i tend to end up with the crazy ones too. maybe it's something about me that attracts the crazies. maybe i like that kind of thing.

that's scary.

-i realize that the rumor is that he's gay.


but there is something seriously about him that drives me crazy. and this song....sheesh.

-i'm bored out of my mind. i need to go to sleep. but i have so many things that i need to do. and none of them are on here.

-i'm slowly realizing that i have a thing for young dudes. i wrote this earlier, but i was half serious then.

seriously,
there is something in the water. i may have been to young to notice. but were the boys my age looking that good, then? i highly doubt it. i mean i've had a young boy crush on him for awhile.



damn. i feel kinda gross right now.
at least he's 18 right??

right??


i just need to get out more.

*sidebar* i'm still a little tipsy so this may come out a little jumbled. but i had to say it.

why did i have to see him?
i mean he just pops up out of nowhere
i haven't been to the hood bar in awhile, i haven't even been up that far on broad since school ended
but the one night i decide to drive on up to broad and erie
he decides to walk in the bar.

i know that i was staring at him
cause i saw him first
i've always been hella observant, it's just something in my nature
so when he walked in i justv studied his face
he lost a little weight
and its obvious
but it looks good
he looks good

i kept glancing behind me
cause i wanted to talk to him. but for some reason i wouldn't allow myself too

i even came back in the bar to see if i could find him
he had gone by that time
damn...

now i'm gonna dream about him
i dont feel like that shit
i had just stopped talking about him
damn.

i'm tired.
yesterday, well last night was a hard night towards the end
and i got in the house kinda late.
early to some. 5 something in the morning. i beat the sun at least, if only by a few seconds.

i haven't been to a club in a minute.
i decided that there is a certain caliber of people that i want to avoid that tend to frequent those things.
you have the girls who are dressed as if it were a video shoot for some new luke. (for those that are too young for luke, here's some. that was one of favorite party songs when i was younger. that says alot i think.)
it's amazing how much skin is seen at a club these days. last night i saw a girl wearing what looked like a lace pillow case. except it would've been one of those extra large cases for those extra large pillows. that chick was huge. not cool man. not cool.

the metrosexual male. pretty, well dressed. extremely clean looking.
not saying that i have a problem with that. dirty fingernails on a man are something that cannot be forgiven. i mean, those hands touch places that don't work well with grime. gross.

the hood dudes.
men/women who are obviously trolling for ass.

plus, statistic wise
the club is def swarming with disease.
last night there were at least 200 people crowding the dance floor and hanging at the bar. statistically, more than a few of them have the package.
i know it's weird to think about that sort of thing. i can't help it that i do.

i don't know.
the club scene just hasn't been for me for awhile. i was doing this when i was was 17/18. i had my 19th birthday party at a club who's patrons were required to be over 25. i've been taking shots, getting crazy sauced and dancing the night away with random strangers for awhile.

now, all i really want to do is listen to some nice music and sip some patron'.

or,
sip some patron' and sit my happy ass down in my own house.
cause in all honesty
all the fun that i want to have
can be had in my house.

school started again.
i was hype in the beginning. like "ooh i'm going back to class... can't wait"
and then i realized that i (once again) have to pay attention to things and write papers.
but,
on the bright side i was able to find the textbook on ebay for 30 dollars
when even on amazon it was over 100

i find out i have allergies yesterday
the biggest offender: cats
which doesn't really bother me that much. i was never a huge fan of cats. the one we were allowed to have when we were young, dug up one of my mom's favorite plants.
she got rid of it soon after.
plus... they seem kind of pretentious. bougie even.
i've always been a dog person
...did i mention i have a dog allergy too?

i'm still getting a dog though.

my tv sucks
for some reason, my television when it's not connected to cable/dish it doesn't work.
or maybe i just haven't figured it out yet
either way all i have been doing is watching dvd's
all.the.time.
it was cool in the beginning.
i restarted my netflix and fell back in love with my queue. started watching movies that i forgot that i had.

but now... in week 4 of this madness
if i watch "married with children" seasons 1,2 or 3 one more time
i just might pull a britney spears and shave all my hair off.

i had a dream that i was dating chris brown last night
which wouldn't be weird if i actually thought of him like that
i mean he's cute and all
but he's so young. so much younger than me
maybe this means i have a thing for young dudes
...hmm. maybe...
or its just this


yeah
its that.
let me find a 19 yr. old out in the streets that looks like this.

sheesh.

i'm bored.
i sincerely need to develop more of a social life.


i could be using this time to write
my book isn't going to write itself, and some new poems couldn't hurt
but instead i'm bs-ing online
looking at random pairs of shoes and the occassional dress.

*sigh*

some part of me wants to call that nut ass dude
some affection never hurt anyone
and i've been lacking in the hugs and kisses department for awhile
other parts of me would just rather stay at home and finish watching the addams family

i wonder which parts are gonna win out.

plus, i feel bad sometimes
it feels as if i'm taking advantage
he said that he loves me
and i feel nothing
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
its just that i can sit and be silent at his house
well... not really. i can sit and ignore him and be silent.

i would just go and smoke a newport
but i gave them up (again)
the last cig i had was on wed

...i'm bored.

so, so bored...

i wanna be loved like there's no one watching me
i wanna be embraced in the arms of someone who cares
i don't want that story book love
no
i know that arguments are made for make up sex
and i know that heavy breathing and harsh words sometime translate into
i love you

* * * *

i wrote that in 04.

for some reason i've been looking through old journals
i used to write so much,
everyday i would have whatever journal i was using at that moment and just sit and write.
whole days are chronicled.
it's weird
i'm reading old thoughts and feelings
and of course this is making me think...reflect.

i've been looking for love for quite awhile it seems.
my current journal goes all the way back to 2003
and in teeny, tiny script my desire for love is detailed.

i read about the last dude i actually wanted to be with.
it was at least 3 summers ago
i havent seen him in like 2 years.
we spent so much time together. we never put a label on anything. and when i decided that i wanted more
he said he didn't
so i moved on

and then of course he caught an attitude.
men... i mean i could write a whole month's worth of entries on what confuses me about them...probably more.

i miss him sometimes.
he had this wonderful abiliity to make me smile
he told me once that he loved to see that, so he kept doing it.
he was probably just capping my head up, but i allowed it.

we even had the same birthday.

...i don't know. i'm nostalgic, i'm (kinda) tipsy, and i just wanted to share

*sidenote about the video: for some reason the fact that they're playing "i shot the sheriff" makes me chuckle just a little bit.

this is some bullshit.

i normally try to keep my composure when it comes to things because it makes no sense getting angry.
but this....

seriously, this is some bullshit.

i understand that a officer got shot and killed
i understand that "tensions" are high
but how in the hell does that give them the right to beat someone like that? i don't care about what's going on, their emotions... none of that matters to me.
what matters is that these people were hired to do a job that requires them to put their personal issues, beliefs, emotions..whatever, to the side, AND DO THEIR JOB.

today was the first time that i saw this shit.

and i wanted to throw up.

i couldn't even begin to count how many cops were kicking and hitting
at one point towards the end, cops are seen dragging one of the handcuffed suspects.
DRAGGING
because previously an officer can be seen kicking that same suspect repeatedly in the legs.

wtf?!?

i don't know
i'm beginning to get more and more dissapointed in my city as the years go by

...and wtf was the point of the mayor asking the NRA for an apology to the family?

grr.

i remember being 16.
granted, i was a slight nerd at that age (thanks mom!)
but my friends.... some were VERY mature for our age.

to be a woman at any age is a struggle.
but at that age you're faced with so many choices/decisions
many of which dictate how you lead the rest of your life. but of course no one is ever thinking about the long term plan... i mean you're only 16
your whole world is waiting ahead of you.

so many girls were sexually active then.
making adult choices when they were still children at heart.
a few even walked down the aisle at 8th grade graduation carrying their first.
8th grade...
i just finished playing with barbie and ken
and they're pushing out babies.

i think i got my first real kiss at 16.
almost all my friends then (girls and boys) were having sex and running back to virginal morgan and recounting all the details
and of course i absorbed everything.
my curiosity was peaked of course, but never so much that i give in.
that was me though.
i guess the fear of GOD, my mother, and my father saying to me at a very young age that he wanted me to wait, kept playing in my mind.

some girls don't have that.
some girls don't have the guidance or the support of a family to aid them with making correct decisions.
some girls actually have adults/parents pushing them into situations that they can't or shouldn't have to handle.
it's just so much.

they need to be nutured and guided.
this is something that people should be deeply involved in. because who are young women but future mothers, lovers, teachers...
follow the links and get involved.

empowerment for girls
may 7th is the national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy.

i'm tired

like everything feels heavy.
i think its cause i really need this vacation thats coming up.

i'm gonna be off from work for 10 days
the last day being my bday (which should be a national damn holiday....june 9th. holla)

i'm going to miami
for 4 days and 3 nights. i really need some time away from philly, but the impending plane ride has me spooked. i never really liked small places like that. and the idea of being stuck there for 2 hours really, REALLY freaks me out. but 2 hours on a speeding metal deathtrap is much better than 18 hours in one. ...the car though is at least on the ground. (don't get me started)

the responsibility that comes with being an adult is getting on my nerves. i know that i have no choice when it comes to getting older. the only alternative is death...my mom tells me that all the time. but now, i HAVE to do things. i HAVE to pay bills. i HAVE to establish myself as an adult. there's no choice in the matter.
i like choices. i opt for choices. and this just seems unfair.

ah well.

time to leave the childish things aside i guess.

i bought a whole pack of newports today.
this is the first time in months that i have done this. i can feel my chest tightening as we speak. ...i need to give some of these away. this morning the craving was just to hard to get over. so i stopped and spent 4 something on some cancer. now that i think about it i spent more than that on smokes last week. damn loosies.

this is random again.

i need to actually sit and think of some things to write about. otherwise we're all going to get bored with this thing.