this has been a reflective period for me
i know i've been saying that alot lately. but in all seriousness, i'm slowly but surely getting to know myself.
maybe this is the awakening that i was waiting for all this time.
sheesh
i had to make it all the way to 27 huh?

ah well...

i feel like rambling. so... this is probably gonna be long.
humor me.

*a cousin of mine did some crazy things back in the day. said crazy things managed to get him locked up, doing some serious time. i miss him. i haven't seen him since the day of his sentencing and that was what...7 years ago? yeah. i remember i was working at the third circuit courthouse and i went to the sentencing while on my lunchbreak.
and when they read the verdict, i could almost feel my face go white. i walked alone back to my job, got all the way upstairs,
and as soon as someone spoke to me i just broke down. sat in the conference room and sobbed.
he called me out of the blue the other day. now i wanna go see him. he's close by so it's possible. but...i don't wanna cry in front of him. but i know i will.
damn.

*speaking of people doing time, what about the other one? i've been sending/receiving kites now for 6 or so years. aside from the fact that he's in prison, in W.VA no less, this is actually the longest relationship that i have ever had with a man. i wonder what that really means...

*i'm watching killer klowns from outer space right now. gotta love netflix.

*today is my neices 13th birthday. she was brought into this world the night before i graduated from middle school (beeber 95!!) i walked down the aisle that morning tired and with red eyes, but i saw my neice for the first time. i didnt care.
she was THE prettiest baby that i had ever seen.
eyes were gun metal gray and surrounded by the longest, darkest eyelashes.
our genes must be real strong in the family, cause she looked exactly like me when i was her age.
and now here she is...13.
she likes boys,
she's getting all her appropriate parts.
and
its
freaking
me
out.
i love her to death tho. and i'm hella proud of who and what sh'e become so far. i can't wait for her to get older so i can see how she matures, and what she decides to do.
but
if i see her with or around anyone with a penis, doing anything innapropriate i will have to do something unlady like.
i wouldnt be able to handle that.
not at all.

*my job is trying to kill me. slowly but surely. its not going down tho.

* i picked up the paper and saw this
how hot is that? she was trapped for 50+ hours and she still delivered her baby.; and the baby's the healthy. sometimes i need things like these to jump start my faith in things. the world gets bleak sometimes.

*that kid who got shot on graduation day is now famous for being shot on graduation day. i'm pissed about that. who knows what this young man had in store for himself when he got to school. his injuries weren't life threatening but he will be defined by this situation. and i don't think that its fair. he should be able to remember that day with fondness.

and

this shit with city is beginning to take a toll on me. i actually found myself considering going some place else. i never wanted to leave philly. or if i did, i would go for awhile and come back. but this crime spree has me thinking i might not make it back.
and i hate that.
honestly, its bad everywhere.



he said it best.